Bree Shannon

It's been awhile

2011-12-04T00:02:00.006-05:00

So it's been awhile. Sorry to be absent for such a long time, but so much has happened. And I've debated over this for quite sometime, but rather than attempt to catch you up, I'll just start with this:

I. GOT. MARRIED!!!

Oh JOY!!! Surrender can be a glorious thing. Surrender is a freeing act of letting go, and in my case letting God. You see back in March of this year, I fully surrendered my will and control over to God. It took awhile in the making, like all great surrenders do, but once I fully turned over the white flag of my heart to the Great Creator, an amazing thing happened. I found peace. I found joy. I found loneliness. I found healing. I found grace. I found my relationship with God once again.

Just as in the parable of the prodigal son, I was a prodigal daughter. God brought me home. He first brought me home physically, He brought me home mentally, and then he brought me home emotionally and spiritually.

On or around the beginning of March, I accepted the friend request of my future husband (let's call him Saucy shall we?). With less than my standard required minimum of 10 mutual friends, we became Facebook friends and I don't even remember doing it. HA!

Well in God's grace Saucy's name and posts kept popping up on my FB newsfeed and after 2 weeks of that I posted on his wall.

"No offense, and not that I'm complaining, but how are we friends?" was my post. That was on May 5th. By May 6th, we were emailing. Sharing industry info., introductions, all surface stuff.

Well as the emails streamed in faster and closer together, I sent out an invite to him to join me for church. It was at this time that I began FB stalking him. This is when I was introduced to a book that God would use as a pivotal tool in growing a relationship with me. Saucy's dear friend and author Cheryl McKay Price, got married and in all my thorough stalking, I discovered that she had written a book of a young woman that turns her love life over to God... What a novel idea!!! Hadn't I done something almost identical to that not 2 months prior? Immediately I found the book and began reading her story... no really it was; Cheryl's story. But in reading her story, I read my own. The bad decisions; the broken hearts and wrong men; the inability to let go of control and trust God's choice. Hadn't I done the same things?

The tears flowed as the truths revealed themselves. It was as if God had written the book for me. SO as in the book, I turned over my rights (once again) of my dating life to God and gave him the reigns... which meant I couldn't take over control of my meeting with Saucy. I had to give him to God...which is exactly what I did.

Well as mentioned above, I had asked him to come check out my church. In my mind, any man worth getting to know wouldn't be scared off, or offended if I invited them to church. I had tried avoiding meeting men at church for so long and my track record wasn't looking good...but this was NOT a date. Nope this was two Christian actors getting together to worship and share industry info...because I was NOT in control.

So on May 22nd, after filming a pilot TV show, I rushed into Church 15mins late to formally meet Saucy... There he was, all smiles! My Saucy's smiles can make world peace possible. He has the BEST smile on the planet. Make that the Universe. He lights up a room and he was waiting for me with one of those smiles. I stuttered, I think I may have stopped in mid stride...I was in trouble, and after I regained my composure. I gave him back to God.

To Be Continued...

Life

2011-05-29T21:02:00.004-04:00

I rush... I mean it! I run headlong and fast into everything! I love the rush of the new (even though I'm deathly afraid of it)... Maybe that's I rush. It's like ripping a band aid off. The faster you do it, the less it'll hurt. Well at least that's the theory... of course when you rip it off fast it hurts like Mo' Fo' right up front and tears well up in your eyes and it stings so bad you think you might pee your pants...but then it's gone. Just like that, it's gone! So then you forget about it and move on. I kinda think about rushing into new things the same way.

But life isn't like ripping off a band aid and sometimes we have to wait. To let the wound heal slowly, or take our time in recuperation...so I find myself healing slowly. Waiting and recouping. I don't like it...but it isn't really in my hands is it? No unfortunately... wait scratch that...FORTUNATELY it isn't in my hands...He is in charge of my rehabilitation. And in His timing and ONLY His timing will I be rehabilitated.

But a girl can dream can't she? Isn't it the dreaming, and the wanting, and the hoping that aids the body, mind, and spirit to full restorative health? I think so. I think that's why God puts these desires in my heart. The more I dream of them and imagine them into my life, the more I desire to heal from past hurts, and begin seeing my future in a healthy light. One that is designed by Him. So it stands to reason, that I should continue to dream. That I should scheme, and imagine the possibilities of my hearts desires. He gave them to me...why would He tease me with them, unless there were a certain truthfulness to them...

...I just need to rest in Him and wait for him to remove the band aid.

Sigh... All in good timing.

Good night Moon...

Hate does not become us.

2011-05-02T22:48:00.003-04:00

Osama Bin Laden is dead. It is a strange day. Nothing significant changed in my schedule or routine. I did not feel any different and aside from the comment I threw out at work this morning no one mentioned it. Yet, people danced in Times Square. The National Anthem was sung in acapella unison on the White House Lawn. Tourists and Locals moved down to Ground Zero and paid homage to a day in history. Some would call it a great day, but regardless, great or not, many, many people died last night and have died over the past 10 years.

It is so easy to "celebrate;" to cast off our stress of another year with "him" out there and on the loose. But I cannot easily celebrate the death of another. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best, "I mourn for the loss of thousands of helpless lives, but I cannot rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate, multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

What I did focus on today was the reality of the countless men and women who have served to protect me and my freedoms. They sit on the lines, guns in hand, ready to defend or attack, so that I can continue pursuing my dreams. And oh what pointless, luxurious dreams they are. Our soldiers sleep in holes in the desert, while I design bedrooms of spa like proportions. I contemplate paint color schemes and coordinating fabrics, while they stare into vasts deserts looking for the sniper ready to shoot them dead. I audition for the right to play a pregnant army wife, while there are real women explaining to their children why daddy can't come home to them.

We are at war because 9 years ago, 2 planes and 2 buildings collided with one another and thousands of people died. One man masterminded an operation that would forever change my world. It would be so easy to hate them. But all I feel is sadness for them. I want to shake my hand in justified vengeance and say, "serves you right!" But all I can think about is how grateful I am to the people who keep me safe everyday. I just want to thank them.

THANK YOU TO OUR ARMED FORCES...THANK YOU FOR RISKING YOUR LIVES SO THAT I CAN HAVE ONE.

An entry without purpose.

2011-04-28T23:04:00.003-04:00

I forgot what a balm to my spirit this blog has become. It has no purpose other than to let me purge the thoughts, however irrational they may be, onto the page and out of my head. Things get jumbled up; get lost; get forgotten. But once they are on the screen and emptied into grammatical form, they are then placed into perspective and therefore are no longer threats to my sanity.

This may serve to make me sound crazy or irrational, but yet it is the flushing of said thoughts that allow me to observe the truth of what I say, and therefore allows the clarity to move forward.

I have not made all the right choices in life, but THANK GOD it is not too late for me to change my route and redirect my path. And as I have said before, it is the journey that is life, not the end result. Oh that I can keep my focus on the journey and not miss the beautiful scenery along the way.

To my dear readers, please excuse the morosity of tonight's entry. But to be true to me , means not sensoring myself for you. You read because you care to know what it is that makes me tick. Makes me who I am.

I am an evolution. I am everchanging and ever will be. And God willing, I'll be given the the blessing of telling my children who I was and what I thought.

What's the rush?

2011-04-25T23:36:00.000-04:00

Why do we rush? We rush to get to work only to get bogged down in traffic; rush to get out of school only to go to another one; rush to find the perfect parking spot only to see a better one open up two seconds later; rush to get the latest I-phone, I-pad, or 3-D TV only to have the next big thing be released 6months later. We rush to fall in love, get married, have babies, retire, to die. And the latest trend: We rush to have sex. Since when did rushing into something so intimate become something to be taken so lightly? I heard someone the other day say, "Sex is just sex, but a kiss is so intimate and sensual, it can make or break a relationship." No offense but I couldn't disagree more! A kiss is foreplay to sex. It connects us first at the breath; the initial point of contact and then stirs the senses into sex. Don't get me wrong. I love a good kiss. The anticipation, the nervousness, and then finally touching ever so slightly as your mouths join and your breath connects...it is heaven. BUT why would a kiss be more intimate than connecting with someone in an act that joins two humans as one?

I cannot see how this is possible. But more importantly, I don't want to. When I give that part of myself, I do it because I am giving that other person part of my heart; part of my soul. And in return I would only want that person to have sex with me for the same reasons. So what's the rush? Why run headlong into a sensual, intimate, sensitive, scary, moving, and spiritual act if it's not with someone that can treasure what we are sharing with them. So I don't want to share that special part of me unless it's with someone who not only wants it, but will treasure it, take care of it, and who will give me that same part of themselves back.

Tonight is random...

2011-03-08T21:55:00.003-05:00

It's Happening. I planted seeds a year ago and now the buds of my hard work are starting to break through the ground. I am beginning to be seen. The auditions are rolling in. Now comes the hard part. I've got to believe that those seeds are worth nourishing...meaning I've got to get a little ego. He has one; just like I do when I talk about interior design. Sidebar, I love having my own place. That's one of the reasons I hang out here so much. It's great to have my own space. To be alone in the quiet... my quiet. My music, my space, my air, my time, my schedule. No one to ask of my time, no one to try to engage me in conversation. No feeling like I have to be there for anyone other than me. Just me and me. I owe no one explanations. I don't need to "spend" time with anyone. Oh how I long for that space to actually be mine... I have dreams. I know what it looks like in the sun. I know what it looks like in the dark. I know every angle of the space and how to maximize it... but the best part is that it's all mine. No body to tell me how to lay it out. No one to give an opinion or mess it up... Just mine. (Sigh) it's time for my to have my own space... I'm 32 (uh wait...I mean 29) and it's time I had my own space. Call me crazy, but I looked at baby pictures today...no person's baby in particular, just little tiny persons...wow! I want one. Not ready for one, but want to have a person to belong to me...That's crazy talk I know, but it is what I want. Sometimes I wonder if I need to have a daddy to have that little person? Can I just have the little one without the complications of a partner or husband? Back on track... I am getting it done. Meeting people, putting myself out there and making impressions...getting auditions!!! Whoot, Whoot! It's a start...haven't booked anything yet, but making headway and my reputation as a person is preceding itself...so I need to do, is actually believe it too. Why is that so hard for me? Why is false modesty the first thing I turn to? It's not a sin to admit that I'm good at something. It took me 10 years to admit that I'm a good designer. Is it gonna take me another 10 to admit I'm a good actor. I'm not talking about Charlie Sheen sort of "Adonis DNA" kind of ego, but the kind that say, "Hey! I know what I'm doing, and even if I don't I'm confident enough in my skills to get through this and still come out on top." That's where I need to be.... a process I know, but one I shall go through and come out on top... I shall.

The road

2011-02-06T10:55:00.005-05:00

Its been awhile. I know. I haven't had the time or energy to write. But this is a good thing; meaning, God has kept me busy. The adventure in this next chapter is speeding up and I'm trying to savor every minute. Someone once said, we are defined by the choices we make. We make choices and they lead us somewhere. We make other choices and the path changes once again. The route is ever changing even if we continue to go in the same direction. Sometimes the detours are large and take us WAY outta of the way of our final destination, and sometimes they just reroute us slightly to change up the scenery. Right now, I'm really enjoying the view. It's easy to take your eyes off of your goal when you are enjoying the scenery, and sometimes I say, "NO! I cannot enjoy the scenery, I've got to get back on the main route." But the flaw in that statement is that I would miss so much joy, happiness, fear, pain, confusion, and rapture if I didn't allow myself to experience the detour. Because our lives are not just a destination and once you arrive, then you begin living. No, rather it is the journey that is our lives and the destination is the end of the trip. You might say, who wants to experience, pain, confusion, or fear? I do. I can overcome the fears. The pain makes me feel and grow stronger. Confusion can be worked through and I become a deeper person. Pain, fear, and confusion allow me to appreciate the joy, happiness, and rapture. How can you celebrate the good if you've never had the bad. You wouldn't know how to appreciate it. It wouldn't mean as much, and I want my life to mean something. I've always lived with end results in mind; had 5 and 10 year plans that would get me my goals (disclaimer: I still think it is wise to have goals and plans). But those plans would dictate my ability to enjoy life. I would pass up the opportunity to spend a lazy day in the sun, because it wasn't useful in achieving my goal. Here's the problem in that (you dear reader may see it immediately), I passed up the opportunity to enjoy the light; to stop, to breath, to rest, to renew. I was so focused on living, that I forgot to live. But I believe that God has a different vision for my life than the one that I was so focused on making real. I don't even know what it is, but I know it's not what I thought it would be. My life is not what I thought it would be, and that's okay. Cause here's the good news, I sit in the sun now. I rest, I laugh, I don't myself or others too seriously, and I take delight in myself and friends, I appreciate the silence of my soul, and I stop to breath. The path is different today than it was yesterday, but the scenery is oh so beautiful.

Ask Questions

2011-01-29T22:27:00.004-05:00

I start out this entry FIRED UP! I mean really!? Really? REALLY? If you don't know the answer to something...ask questions, inquire, find out, get curious....aren't you curious? Don't you want to know for yourself instead of waiting for someone to tell you the answer?

It is infuriating to have discovered answers to questions (on my own, that no one just gave to me), only to have someone just expect me to give it to them as well. NO SIR! I do not give away my hard work to you just so you can pass by...while I struggled. Doesn't work like that.

There is a wealth of knowledge waiting to be discovered and half the fun is the journey not just the end result. We have become a nation of instant gratification, so much so, that to learn, study, dig, research, and deduce are terms of the past. But I will not succumb to that way of thinking. I will continue to explore, ask questions, and journey to the answers of life's questions.

Music and Friends

2011-01-27T23:35:00.004-05:00

Tonight I was inspired by two things...friends and music. I'll start with the music. Isn't it amazing how music affects us? A simple chord or melody, a rhythm or tempo can draw a physical reaction out of us...That happened to me tonight. I had a physical reaction to a song. I cried. The piano began to play. The chords and harmonies fell in sync with one another and I was physically moved. But then the voice of the musician began to sing; a love song. A sweet simple love song told in three verses and connected by one lovely repeating chorus. A story...played out on the ivory keys of a piano. As I sit here and relay in my head the moments in this simple song writers words I am moved to tears. A lump in my throat; a sting in my eye; a touch in my soul and I am drawn into the pictures that the songwriter paints. Soft and touching...so filled with feeling. I am the luckiest...it is an amazing feat to move one in music. Though I am no expert I relish the days when I am locked safely in my car and I can emote all the emotions of the day in a song...or two. These songs are like balms to my heart. Whether I've had a bad day, a sentimental one, or a gloriously successful day, I can find a song that can support, uplift, or charge that day and mood with ammunition! Music is a therapy unto itself. Now onto Friends...I am an only child. I've never had a sister until now. I have been blessed to have some of the most wonderful girlfriends! But my Jilly...she has been...oh! I have to stop and breath. I am so overcome with emotion at the angel that God sent to me in the form of Jill. She has become a sounding board of reason when I have been unreasonable. She has let me go, knowing that I needed to run and then welcomed me with open arms when I came back. She has pushed me, pulled me, and loved me. I have truly found my soul sister. She knows the strength I possess and when I share with her the innermost secrets and discoveries of my heart...she listens, truly listens...and knows where I have come from and where I am going. She sees my potential. She believes in me and as I own my potential... she stands and applauds as I do. Sleep claims me... But I go to bed with a heart that does so with friends, music, and love...

Going to the races

2011-01-26T23:48:00.004-05:00

Saw a show tonight. Networked as is necessary in my line of work. Had a blast and learned something new for myself. I am employable. Not only that, I am likeable. People want to be around me. "DUH!" Some people might say...but really it's good to do a body check sometimes and realize the truth of who you are. I did that today. It was good for me... I didn't expect to write to you tonight, but I felt the need to express. Expressing myself these days has become vastly important. People get so tongue tied and overly conscious of NOT hurting people's feeling that they just don't speak anymore. They don't express themselves. My thoughts are kinda random tonight. There's alot swirling around in my brain at the moment. But here's a thought that is taking hold. How can I change the world around me? How can I make a difference in the acting community in which I reside? I realized tonight that there is SO much potential for incredible acting here in A-town! We have so much talent waiting to be shown; plays to be seen; music to be heard; why aren't we seeing it? The more I am here the more I want to make something happen! I started a theatre company once...I can do it again. Only this time I'll learn from the mistakes made before. You know I've been given the opportunity to do something near and dear to my heart...I'm not even sure how it happened or if it will, but if it does...OH I would be delighted. I dare not write it out just in case I jinks it... but the more I think about it the more I get excited about it. This little mustard seed, has the potential to grow into something big... bigger than me. I dare not breath it out loud for it is so delicate and new that it could be blown away with a whisper. But I will say this, it is the beginning of something awesome! Everyday, I stand in awe of the fact that I have a God that has allowed me to do my hearts desire...be my own boss. I am actually doing what I always said I would do. I'm doing it! Let me say that again, "I'm doing it!!!!" Hot damn...that is soooo cool! Tomorrow I start back in the gym. It's been 6 months since I really took my fitness and health seriously. I guess that was bound to happen. Being in the kind of relationship that I was in, only provokes the opposite reaction once the chains are released. So I drank too hard, ate too much and stopped exercising... I think it was a moment of "you don't own me anymore, so I'm gonna do what I want to do." I just needed to relax and remember how to enjoy life again. Now that I've found that moderation, I can go back to working on my body as well as my mind and spirit. This entry tonight is as random as a conversation with a kid with ADD... but at least I purged it out of my head. Life is a process...

Il Mio Cuore

2011-01-25T21:05:00.006-05:00

I begin tonight with a quote from Father Pedro Arrupe: "What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what gets you out of bed in the mornings, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything."

I start with this quote because I needed to hear it tonight. A little reminder is always necessary. Today I needed that reminder. It was a cold, wet, rainy day and the damp air crept into my heart. It was a hard day for me. The sparkle in my eye was a little dull, the light turned down...not off mind you, just down. It's amazing you know? How certain things can trigger your memories... sounds, objects, picture, and smells. On days like these I am reminded of certain times in my life with similar weather. It is these memories that I go to when my environment has me down. One such night comes to mind. They say that scent is the strongest link to memory that we have; I agree. My first night in Cortona is haunting to say the least. It has been a long week and a half. Rome was deflating (except for the Pantheon and the Sistine Chapel), Naples breathtaking, Pompeii eery, and the drive to Cortona exhausting. But we arrive. The town is inviting and would become the balm to my confused and conflicted heart. We've paired up our roommates and as God would have it I roomed with the only person I could've ever imagined spending a summer with... Bri. We are exactly as we should be... two peas in a pod. Our room is a citadel with 3' thick walls and a view that takes ones' breath away. The "wash room" below and the yard of drying sheets, shirts and the occasional bra would become natural accessories to the Etruscan hills above and sunflower filled valleys below. But on this night, our first... it was a completely different scene. This night was a night of spirits and ghosts. Amid the sleeping sunflowers, was nestled an ancient cemetery. From this cemetery came mists that whipped around our little monastery hotel, moaning, screeching, and thrusting upon us their tales of lives long past. Shutters shut both on the exterior and interior of the 3' thick walls could not keep the voices out. Timidly Bri and I peaked outside to view the storm. What I saw, I think I shall never see again...and I'm not exaggerating. We witnessed long white apparitions thrusting up the mountain like wraiths filled with fury. As we watched these forms chaotically claw their way to the top of the mountain, one or two would charge at us and rain would be spit in our faces, the shutters would shake and the monastery would moan. What a sight to behold! Quickly shutting ourselves back inside our little room we sank into sleep with the ancient world beating at our door. The next morning, the battle that had raged the night before brought sunny skies, crisp fresh air, and the promise of a journey that could only be had in Cortona. Il mio cuore. So for you dear reader I say this, though the spirit dampens, and gets wet, the flame never goes out. I am met with the prospect of a new day, new opportunities, new conversations to be had and subjects to be explored. This excites me. This invigorates me, and for lack of a better phrase and in grave danger of being cheesy... "Tomorrow is another day."

Living the dream that others take for granted...

2011-01-24T22:18:00.004-05:00

How do we take dreams for granted? How does that happen? A friend recently told me of a number of people he has worked with that complain about their jobs. Now it should be noted that the writer (namely me) understands that EVERYONE has, is, or will complain about their jobs. It's a given. We're human and imperfect and all have bad days; BUT this particular group of people that I'm referring to are ACTORS! People so dear to my heart! They complain about their jobs. In fact to quote my friend, they are bitter people. This disappoints me so much. How is this possible? These actors are even successful actors. They work on Broadway! I would give my whole career to work on Broadway! In fact, I moved to New York just to be near Broadway. When I was 17 I went on a school trip to NYC for an art/ history trip. The last night we were there we finally got tickets to see Grease! Now the rest of the group could've cared less, but to me it was a dream come true. I could hardly breath. The lights, the hustle and bustle of theatre- goers all making their way to the theatres; it was magic. Just before entering the theatre, I looked back at Times Square and cried. I had to come back. I just had to! This is where theatre magic happened, and I was gonna be apart of it in some form... Grease! was Grease! Pelvis' gyrated, skirts were big, gum smacked outta red shiny Pink Lady lips, and Danny Zucko curled his lips in scream inspired sexual tension. It was awesome! But to be perfectly honest... it was Broadway that got me giddy. We left for home the next day, I wanted to cry but wouldn't in front of my classmates, but my art teacher took me aside and promised that I'd be back some day. She was right. I did come back...so many times. But I finally lived there...I LIVED in New York City, but alas I had to leave. It started to rob me of my joy of acting, of loving, of living...I became hard and jilted, cynical and sarcastic. BUT never in my four years there, did I ever complain about having to go to an audition, or learning a scene in class, or FINALLY being simultaneously cast in 2 plays and 1 movie. I squealed with delight! Somebody wanted to hire me! They needed me to do a job. I got to act...how could I be bitter about that? How could I begrudge learning lines and blocking, or not want to create a character? How could I be bitter about the amazing opportunity to live a dream!? And yet there are those out there, who take their gifts for granted! They don't see that there are thousands of actors who would give anything to have that shot! That role; That director; That script; Those words; Or that music. I am one of those thousands! I've said this before in an earlier blog, but I'm gonna say it again. My Papa once reminded me when I started complaining about "having to go to work." He corrected me and said, "No Bree, you GET to go to work." Those words have never left me. I GET to work. I am not restrained by mental, emotional, or physical restrictions. I have the opportunity to serve God and serve others every day with my hands, my voice, my talents, myself. Oh that everyone could be as blessed as I have been to given the opportunity to pursue the dream of my lifetime. I GET to be an actor! That's my job! My whole life I have dreamed nothing but to do this and I am doing it! God I pray that I NEVER take that for granted, and if I do, send somebody to slap me upside the head and remind me of this entry. I am sorry that I am so charged tonight, but I am so emotionally full that I had to release myself onto the page.

New York sort of night

2011-01-23T22:57:00.007-05:00

So dear reader... Miles is playing, you know what that means.

He plays and I get in that mood. That mood that says write. Write something, write anything, but write. Listen to my melody; my broken melancholy melody and let your fingers go where they might. Give them reign to freely go where they might. Write the hidden secrets of your heart.

So I obey, I let my imagination take me down misty streets of Downtown New York. Those wonderfully foggy nights when the warm air from the rivers meet with the cool air of the night and the city is transformed into a scene from Casablanca. Bogart throws a half smoked cigarette on the ground and takes Ingrid in his arms for that passionate last kiss.

I've always wanted to wear a trench coat and black high heels on such night. To walk, nay saunter out of some smoky basement Italian joint leaving the man who jilted me watch, as I slip away into the black mist. Yeah, that'd be something. Of course it'd be in black and white, so that the viewer is left to imagine the exact shade of my pouty lips... or watch my eyes as they glisten with the tears that I dare not spill. My glossy hair cascading in waves around my face... giving Veronica Lake a run for her money. Even now this description has me smiling and longing to don my grandfather's Fedora and slide into my Ted Baker trench.

There's something about Miles... I know I've said it before, so patience with me faceless world if I repeat myself... I'm sure it won't be the last time. But he plays with so much feeling. I so long to be sitting in some dark blue lit dive, vodka martini in hand, dressed in black, and eyes closed while I sway as the trio improvise their way through my soul. It is haunting. It is truthful. It is filled with so much emotion and heart. I long to communicate my own soul in the same manner.

Why is it that we cannot express ourselves in everyday life the way that we do on screen, on stage, in music, and in dance. Oh to actually express myself with such freedom and grace, poise, charm, and most importantly truth. If we were as truthful in real life as we are on the page, what a world we would be.

I realize that all this is senseless musings but they are the thoughts that Miles and my fingers are bringing to light. My FAVORITE song has begun to play and tears well up in my eyes. I imagine that I am being held so tenderly, so softly, and we sway to the sound that fills the space. The blue lit room holds just us and it is a safe haven in which I can completely relax in. I exhale with my whole being and he holds me. Strong arms that tell me I don't have to fight. I can just rest and be... be Bree. He strokes my back so lightly that I barely feel the touch but know that I have been caressed.

The songs ends and the next track wakes me from my vision. The tear wells dry and I move to another part of the city... Riverside park in the fall. The hidden paths, the dogs and their owners, bikers and nannies with their wards. There is a chill in the air and the gold, ochre, and fire colored leaves set off brilliantly from the dark and wet tree trunks. Somewhere you smell a fire and the taste of hot apple cider suddenly salivates in your mouth... Oh yes dear reader, it is a New York sort of night.

Who blinks first? ;0)

2011-01-21T20:07:00.009-05:00

I first must start this entry with a laugh... an online laugh. You all know the lingo, so I'll indulge... LOL!

I had the most interesting conversation today... a boy called me. No I'll do better than that. A man called me. We had a great "first conversation." Of course it wasn't the first time we'd conversed. But it was the first time we'd heard each other speak. It was a completely wonderful conversation in which the joke...

...sidebar...Ella is singing in the background. She gets me every time. If only I could live in a world where her voice is my soundtrack. You know like in a really great movie montage with the incredible soundtrack plays while our heroine travels through the gray streets of NYC discovering her own strength and hidden talents. She'd be my movie montage soundtrack.

....in which the joke "see who blinks first" comes into play. Basically it was an unspoken bet to see who called who first. After months of FB emails, I finally gave him my number. Innocently letting him know it was alright to call. He in turn gave me his and threw down the gauntlet of who would cave first and call the other. I won.

Now this wonderful adventure in communication between the sexes got me thinking... who blinked first in my own parents relationship? Was it my father the twinkling eyed, rascal who was the eligible bachelor, and much sought after single man in church? Or my mother the fiery, feisty, dark haired beauty who had every man trying to break through her defenses.

My money is on my mother; meaning, I think my Papa blinked first. Though he could have any belle of the ball, he chose my Mama. SO I think he sought her out...a challenge though she was, my Papa loves a challenge and solving problems (he's a computer analyst what do expect?).And my Mama for all her bravado, is a shy girl and would never have approached him first. Maybe that's why she seemed so impenetrable...she scared off many a boy, but only cause they didn't have the strength of character to see who she really was.

Regardless of who blinked, drew their gun, or flinched first, I'm sure glad they did. Because last weekend they celebrated 34 years together in wedded bliss. I have seen more love, romance, laughter, and joy in their marriage than I have hardship and they are a true example to me of what I aim to have one day. Sure it hasn't been all fun and games. They've had their struggles just like everyone does, but NEVER in their marriage have they contemplated or discussed dissolving their union. That is not only a blessing and an example it is a miracle sent from God above. I am thankful to them for their example, their perseverance, and their faithfulness to God and each other. Plus.... they had me!

Golden Globes and what the beep am I doing?

2011-01-16T23:24:00.008-05:00

What am I doing? My biological clock is obviously ticking....I want a family. I want a husband to understand me and love me with all of my idiosyncrasies, neuroses, and perfections. But I also want a career in acting. I want to not have to worry about where the next check is coming from and will I have enough to pay my bills. Can I afford gas this month or will I have to compromise another bill to eat?

Is it wrong that I should want a man who loves me for who I am and not what I bring to the bank account? Wow! I just realized what a profound statement that is. I wonder how many other women feel or think that way about their own relationships (or lack thereof)? Are they keeping themselves from relationships for fear of what they have to bring to the financial realm of the relationship?

I just watch the Golden Globes tonight. As usual, I cried. I always do, but tonight I cried for myself. What am I doing? I'm 32 years old. Most people who are gonna "make it," have already done so by my age. So what the *beep* am I doing?

Why do we do the things we do? Why do we choose the paths we choose? God directs our paths, but why does He send us out in certain directions? Why am I, at 32 and after 10 years being an interior designer, working retail at West Elm, scrounging for whatever role I can get, and once again living with my parents? WHY?

I want to be on that screen, stage, camera, role... I want to be exploring these roles. Oh God show me patience. I want it all now! But my timing is not your timing and in my limited sight, I do not see what plans you have for me nor path you have laid out for me... All I know is that, aside from serving You, I have 2 burning desires in my life right now. One is to be a working actor and the other is to be a wife and mother.

Are the arts important?

2011-01-06T22:53:00.004-05:00

Tonight someone posed the question to me (and forgive me if I paraphrase), 'Why support the arts? What benefit do the arts pose to mankind?' Well, I must say that after I picked my jaw up off the floor, I was speechless. At the time my mind was overwhelmed with such disgust and shock that someone could even think such a question, much less verbalize it, that I barely remember what I retorted. I'm sure it lacked in the punch and zing that I intended it. But on the drive home, it got me to thinking. Are the arts important? Why do we need the arts? This is what I came to; This is what I wished I had said; This is what was rattling through my brain as I tried to contemplate this persons ignorance. The arts and specifically to me acting, allows us (society) on one hand to escape from the stresses, the worries, the struggles, and the pains that our daily lives hand us. Why are shows like Desparate Housewives so popular? Is it because it is so realistic and close to home that it's like watching the news? Or is it because it's so far fetched and fantastical that it transports us from the ordinary white walls of our cookie cutter apartments to Whisteria Lane? Just the name tells us we're not in Kansas anymore. The adventures, scandals, murders, love affairs, and gorgeous cast members allow us for 50 minutes every Sunday night to escape the impending Monday morning meetings, expense reports, and never ending spreadsheets... Allow me another example of how the arts enrich our lives. You come home from work and turn on the TV, yet there is no TV because there is no arts and therefore no need for the contraption in the first place. So you turn to read a book, magazine, or newspaper yet there is none of the above due to the fact that no one has taken to the art of the written word. So then you turn to your CDs/ i-pod/ or radio but nothing plays and there is no such technology because there is no need for it. So in silence you eat your meal of roasted salmon, with brown rice pilaf, and grilled asparagus with fresh rosemary...yet even that is an art form for the taste buds. It is art, creativity, and imagination that creates such delectible selections for our palates. I could continue on to the furniture you sit on, the clothes you wear, and even carpet you walk on... all results of someone's artistic mind creating these items. A third example if you will; this audacious person from earlier tonight suggested that sports was not an art, well, dear sir the very games that you dearly love to argue over, bet on, and play in were creative initives of men who artistically created "games" to be played between men for fun. Well you might say that it is not an art form... I encourage you to say that to the coaches, team members, and staff that spend their lives artistically and strategically "playing" against one another on the field, course, or court. To be an athlete is to be an artist. God is an artist. The detail, color, music, scents, and views that He created are all artistically rendered in this world... The human mind is a vast canvas of art... The arts not only help us to escape and dream, but they shape the world around us. They inspire inventions, technology, and science. You may argue that they are not important or worth investing in. Or perhaps you think that artist are simply just "having fun" as opposed to getting real jobs. But I say, why do a job if you don't have fun doing it? I am living my dream. I am not settling and for the first time in my adult life, I am creating and being the artist that I was created to be. God blessed me with talents, I will not insult the great creator by ignoring them or not using them.

Wait till you see him

2011-01-01T20:06:00.004-05:00

Oh Ella... How you can out into words what my heart feels.

It is a new year and I'm already off to a good start. A new gig, a new agent, a fresh start. When I look back a year ago and I think about all that I faced then. I look at now and am soooo thankful for the journey. I am so very thankful for the journey.

I have been blessed to have loved and been loved deeply. I have been loved. I have loved. I will be loved and will love again... but for now, I focus on me. The task at hand. I will use the love, the hurt, the joy, the pain. I will use it all and pour myself into this year and all the roles that lie ahead.

A good note to start off the new year. I had my first New Year in 12 years without someone to kiss at the strike of midnight... my how the girl is gone and replaced with the woman. I felt no shame at being alone. I was not sad. Rather I felt blessed. I was surrounded by friends. I am in good standing with my family and I have a wonderful future ahead. What a better way to start 2011.

To quote Ella... Wait till you see him, You won't believe your eyes! No offense to Ms. Fitzgerald, but wait til you see me! You won't believe your eyes!

Bring 2011...I am ready.

A voice in silence.

2010-11-30T23:28:00.002-05:00

I have had the laryngitis now for 5 days. I cannot speak. It is killing me. But yet I am constantly reminded that there is a purpose to all this silence. It has made me listen. It has allowed me to let others speak. To let their words be heard. The silence of my voice has allowed me to really hear the wind, rain, birds, and leaves falling. It has made me become okay with resting. Being still. Finding ways of communication outside of the spoken word. It has been an interesting experience, and an enlightening one. It has not been without it's frustrations and discouraging cries, but it has been a constant reminder to trust God. He has literally spoken to me and spoken through me to others through my silence. That was a miracle in of itself. A day of disappointment and discouragement and God opened my bible up to James 1:1-12. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business. Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." It was this passage that I passed along to a friend (in the form of a text message of course)... unbeknownst to me that he needed to hear those more than I. In my silence, God used me to minister to him. I was humbled by this experience. God used me in my doubt and discouraged heart to bless another. I gave thanks to Him. Now I find myself struggling again. I have an audition tomorrow. A performance on Friday and no voice with which to do either. I feel my doubt and fears creeping up on me. They whisper negative barbs in my ear and tell me that I am doomed and my career is over. Oh Lord help me now I pray. Send someone to minister to me. I am in dire straights. Restore me... Lift me up... Do not tear from me my hopes and dreams and dash them before me. Give me faith.

It's all about perspective isn't it?

2010-11-24T23:21:00.005-05:00

I sit and listen to the ageless piano sounds of George Winston. His December album is a must listen to. I turn it on at the beginning of every holiday season. Since tomorrow will be Thanksgiving, I deem it necessary that I write about all that I have to be thankful. To quote Laura Ingalls Wilder: "At long last I am beginning to learn that it is the simple things of life that make living worthwhile, the sweet fundamental things such as love and duty, work and rest, and living close to nature." It is indeed the simple things in life that matter. That mean something. I am learning to slow down and take in all that my life has to offer. To "breath deep and suck out all the marrow of life."

So with that reflection in hand I say this: I am thankful for God's eternal and unfailing grace. His boundless and countless mercy. The ability to fall down, and then to accept His hand and get back up again. Just like a child that learns to walk. That child takes his first step. He wobbles, he sways, he counters his balance and then just when he thinks he's got it, he falls to the ground. So am I like that child; wobbling, swaying, and balancing through life. But just like that child, I have a parent that comes to my side and picks me up, brushes me off, and sets me on my feet again. Only my parent is my God. Yaweh. The Great I Am. The Creator of all things and namely the author of my salvation. It is that truth, that I have everything to be grateful for.

My Papa reminds me that I GET to work, not that I have to work. It is all about perspective isn't it? I get to work. I get to perform, I get to play, I get to love, I get to laugh, I get to be God's child. I get to live. Oh for a thousand tongues to sing my great redeemers praise!

I will praise and be thankful for a life full of blessings, renewed relationships, new opportunities, reborn dreams, and a discovery of oneself... found after so many years lost.

I am thankful for all moments in my life, both good and bad. They have shaped me, molded me, delighted me, and defined me.

This is for the birds...

2010-11-23T18:03:00.002-05:00

...being sick in the bed that is. I am without a doubt, sick. Laid up in bed, covers pulled up tight, and loopy on cold medicine sick. Yeuck! BUT... I can say this with confidence; if I am sick then I have done a bang up job of earning it! I have no complaints. I have several design jobs, several acting jobs, modeling gigs, and good friends to go out and have fun with. What more could a person ask for? Nothing. I'm tired now and am going back to sleep!

Dress up... the grown up way.

2010-11-19T17:39:00.002-05:00

I am sitting here being dolled up, dressed up and pinned up. A grown up girls dream come true. As a child I played "dress up" (honestly what little girl hasn't?). I put on my grandmothers high heel shoes, pearl, hats, and handbags and paraded around the house like a woman about town. Here I am almost 30 years later and I get to do it ALL over again... only this time the shoes fit, the pearls are mine, and the dress ups are far more fabulous and luxurious. I can't wait! So here's the scene: A bedroom. A night to remember. The fun; the flirtation; the pain; the ecstasy. Oh the fun! So in 48 hours, I will be the quintessential pinup girl/glamorous Hollywood starlet/ girl next door... every man's fantasy. I can't wait! Stayed tuned for more details as I get them... but this will be a weekend to remember... To quote my friend Jill, "He, he, he..."

Message in a bottle...part 2

2010-11-03T09:23:00.003-04:00

The complexities of the night before have faded into the background. Sleep was sound and deep; at the same time restless and tiring. There is a feeling of unfinished business in my sleep, and a reoccurring theme that won't die. Fight... that is the unfinished business that my subconscious won't let go of...Fight until you make it Bree, fight until you have nothing left to fight for, fight until all victories have been won, fight until you are and where you want to be, fight until you die. The word fight means so many different things in the English language, but the ones that stick out in my mind is "to contend with or against in any manner (to fight despair; to fight the passage of a bill) or to carry on or to maintain (a battle, a duel, a cause, a quarrel, etc.)." So that is what I must do. Carry on and maintain; contend with or against in any manner... stay strong Bree, stay strong... the bullies of this world cannot hold you down. They cannot keep you from the course that God has laid out. He will not be thwarted. He will not be pushed aside and He will not be bullied... therefore Bree rest in this:

In the Lord I take refuge.

How then can you say to me;

"Flee like a bird to your mountain.

For look, the wicked bend their bows;

the set their arrows against the strings

to shoot from the shadows

at the upright of heart.

When the foundations are being destroyed,

what can the righteous do?"

The Lord is in his holy temple;

the Lord is on his heavenly throne.

He observes the sons of men;

his eyes examine them.

The Lord examines the righteous,

but the wicked and those who love violence

his soul hates.

On the wicked he will rain

fiery coals and burning sulphur;

a scorching wind will be their lot.

For the Lord is righteous,

he loves justice;

upright men will see his face."

~Psalm 11

Message in a bottle...

2010-11-01T22:35:00.006-04:00

I apologize for the delay in my posts as of late. To me it is better to accumulate thoughts, than it is to accumulate words. I want write to you, but only of things that matter. To share my mind, not my chatter. This journey that God has on me, has been so revealing to me of the things that I am, am becoming, and will be. I am beginning to see now how important it is to be me. Sundays sermon was on Psalm 11. The subject: "Fleeing Is Not An Option." What a lesson for me! I've fled in my past. When it got hard... I left. I ran to the next adventure and decided that the one I was on, was over. I've hurt many people in living that way, but most importantly, I've hurt myself. But no longer. I'm learning that the greatest adventure is the one worth seeing through to the end. So here I am, NOT fleeing; staying put; standing strong; and waiting it out...til God reveals that design, that beautifully mastered and indisputable plan for my life. I have to say this, as it has been on my mind all night. I have entered into a state of unrest. Just in the last day or so. I am so longing for something! Something that feels right! My age is catching up with me. I am not the spring chicken that I once was, and for the first time in my life...it is starting to show. I look old. I feel old. I feel slower. I am... I feel my expiration date approaching and the product starting to sour... This makes me sad. Wells of tears fill up the tired blue eyes that once sparkled... I don't feel special and I don't feel like I have anything left to contribute... Step aside Bree, let the newer model in to the job that you are now to old to do... see you in the junkyard. Sorry for the morose entry tonight... but this blog isn't about comforting you, dear reader, this blog is for me to release myself onto the vast anonymous web and let it drift into a sea of other unknown, unread blogs... So float away... get lost... be released... be forgotten.

Isn't the Internet amazing!? But really this post should be called... goddesses in my life

2010-10-24T12:05:00.012-04:00

I can listen to my church's sermons, pay bills, follow blogs, check the weather, and send emails all at the same time!

I write to you this morning because I am inspired by the strength, vulnerability, courage, and passion of my friends and family. I have been blessed by several women in my life who are daily reminders to me of what it means "to be true to yourself."

Tara moved to LA, BY HERSELF, 6 months ago. She packed up everything she had and relocated herself to LA to pursue a dream. Her dream of being a working TV actor. I met Tara 3 years ago in acting class. Our teacher paired us up to do a scene together; my first in the Meisner Technique (of which I am now a proud follower of), she a seasoned veteran. Boy did I learn alot from her in those few weeks that we studied that scene! Tara is passionate, determined, and perfectionistic about her craft. She is consistent, disciplined, and open. She taught me so much in how to trust my instincts, listen to partner, and be open to the scene and characters. We have since become good friends and she has consistently amazed me in her pursuit of her goal to be a working TV actor.

Stephanie is my cousin by blood, but she is more than that, she is my friend. She is my confidant, my voice of reason, my rooting fan, and my entertaining laugh machine. We giggle, we cry, we share, we encourage, we chastise, and we support each other. Stephanie has the distinction of being the youngest in my family. Therefore she was always the one to get left behind, or picked on. But now as adults, she has become a beautiful inspiring woman who has owned herself and her identity apart from man or thing. She is a strong Christian woman and is fearless in living for Christ. She inspires me daily and though we are miles apart, I feel her presence and her prayers.

Jill (aka Mama Jilly) is one of the best friends I have EVER had! She has been there for me, loved me, accepted me, and challenged me consistently since the day I met her. She doesn't hold back her opinions or thoughts but always says them in love. She is feisty, sassy, artistic, open, funny (oh BOY is she funny), smart, talented, loving, kind, and beautiful!

Jill and I met 7 years ago at work. We were in different departments but it didn't take long for us to become fast friends. Jill is famous for noises, sounds, giggles, and snorts... she has expressions and gestures that have now been incorporated into my daily life. They have even made their way into my character choices. But Jilly (as we like to call her) owns herself. I LOVE that Jilly owns herself. She is who she is and if you don't like it then she don't want to be friends with anyway. She is brilliant! LOVES movies (which is another reason we get along) and loves design, cooking, reading, gardening, and her friends and husband. She is an amazing woman and I love her!

My Mama. The queen of NEVER giving up! Soldier and fighter for the less fortunate, nurse to the sick, lover of lost animals, elf of Christmas and birthdays, and a master at giving of cerci's. She has taught me to never take the given answer without investigating it for myself. She has given me a thirst and hunger for knowledge that is unquenchable. She has given me courage, and bravery. My mama has identified weaknesses in herself and vowed to not let me have those same weaknesses. She has thrown me up on horses, when they have scared her to death. She has placed me in acting classes, when she herself is too shy to do the same. She has reminded me (without fail for 32 years) that I am NOT stupid and am smart, talented, and worth fighting for. My Mama is a beautiful, strong, courageous, and faithful Christian, wife, mother, friend, artist, and healer.

These women in my life are an inspiration to me and they are worth celebrating.

Ponderings

2010-10-10T12:01:00.001-04:00

Dear reader, my mind is in a quandary today. I am pensive and still, unable to motivate myself into action. I muddle over several things at once. I feel pulled in many directions and yet know not which direction I should go. I am missing several people in my life right now and am also glad to be by myself. I am a walking contradiction. This last statement makes me laugh! Oh to have all the answers, yet I know that this is an impossibility since I am not God and therefore have no hope of ever knowing all the answers. But still I listen and learn and try; everyday I try.

Though with all this now written down, I can say this; “I am blessed.” I have great friends, amazing family, and God places me in winning situations everyday. I step closer to Him and He takes more of my strife away. My stress levels are down and while I am still pensive and apprehensive about the future (my future), I fear less. I fear less. That statement holds so much power for me. I fear less, because I have a God who is bigger and stronger than I.

Last night I was encouraged and inspired by my friend Natalie. She has brought herself through so many trials; she is raising two wonderful boys, put herself through college (UGA no less), taught herself how to play the guitar, and sings in a bluegrass/ country band. I heard her play last night, saw the joy and peace on her face as she played and listened to her sing. It blessed my heart and urged me to do the same. Sing! Sing with all the gifts, dreams, and talents God has given me. I am blessed!

Oh glory to an amazing God! I AM BLESSED!

They say that growing up is hard to do

2010-09-27T22:38:00.001-04:00

Oddly enough, I’m technically supposed to be grown up. I’m not. I’m still very young and the older I get the more I’m aware of how much I don’t know. I’ve just realized a blogging trend of mine. Miles. Every time, I put on Miles I feel like writing. I wonder if the irregular beats of his trumpets mixed in with the bass and drums get into my head and relax me long enough to just put words on pages. Its a soothing blend and it let’s my fingers release the thoughts swirling in my muddled mind.

Tonight will be a short post as I am tired and am in great need of rest. But I can confidently say that I have been blessed by a wonderfully gracious week. God is so good to me. He is drawing me near to Him in ways that I have not felt in a long time. He is sloughing off the dead skin of my life and allowing new vibrant healthy skin to grow. It is wonderfully painful. Standing alone for the first time in… ever. A nice way to make my way into my 30’s. It is not to say that I am enduring some loneliness, but those times are needed. The quiet of the room, the silence of my life, gives way to the re-acquaintance of my mind, body, and soul. It is a strange thing being alone with ones self, but a much needed phase.

Of course, I’m never alone. My friends have resurfaced in a way I don’t dare to deserve and my time with them has been awesome. I have been shown love these past few months. God has orchestrated for me a tasting of what's to come for my life. I don’t what, but I do know that it will be greater than I dare dream. He says ask and ye shall receive…so I ask. I know He will not disappoint.

Well Friends. I say Bon Nuit, Bonne Notte, and Good Night.

The Big Funk

2010-09-13T09:32:00.005-04:00

Today, my words shall best be expressed by Mr. John Patrick Shanley: "A man in our society is not left alone. Not in the cities. Not in the woods. We must have commerce with our fellows, and that commerce is difficult and uneasy. I do not understand how to live in this society. I don't get it. Each person has an enormous effect. Call it environmental impact if you like. Where my foot falls, I leave a mark, whether I want to or not. We are linked together, each to each. You can't breather without taking a breath from somebody else. You can't smile without changing the landscape. And so I ask the question: Why is theatre so ineffectual, unnew, not exciting, fussy, not connected to the thrilling recognition possible in dreams? It's a question of spirit. My ungainly spirit thrashes around inside me, making me feel lumpy and sick. My spirit is this moment dissatisfied with the outward life I inhabit. Why does my outward life not reflect the enormity of the miracles of existence? Why are my eyes blinded with always new scales, my ears stopped with think chunks of fresh wax, why are my fingers calloused again? I don't ask these questions lightly. I beat on the stone door of my tomb. I want out! Some days I wake up in a tomb, some days on a grassy mound by a river. Today I woke up in a tomb. Why does my spirit sometimes retreat into a deathly closet? Perhaps it is not my spirit leading the way at such times, but my body, longing to lie down in marble gloom and rot away. Theatre is a safe place to do unsafe things that need to be done. When it is not a safe place, it's abusive to actors and audiences alike. When its safety is used to protect cowards masquerading as heros, it's a boring travesty. An actor who is truly heroic reveals the divine that passes through him, that aspect of himself that does not own and cannot control. The control and the artistry of the heroic actor is in service to his soul. We live in an era of enormous cynicism. Do not be fooled. Don't act for money. You'll start feel dead and bitter. Don't act for glory. You'll start to feel dead, fat, and fearful. We live in an era of enormous cynicism. Do not be fooled. You can't avoid all the pitfalls. There are lies you must tell. But experience the lie. See it as something dead and unconnected you clutch. And let it go. Act from the depth of your feeling imagination. Act for celebration, for search, for grieving, for worship, to express that desolate sensation of wandering through the howling wilderness. Don't worry about Art. Do these things and it will be Art." Thank you Mr. Shanley... I can only follow that up to say. "Anything you do, let it come from you, then it will be new, give us more to see..."

Amazing Grace

2010-09-12T11:10:00.006-04:00

Amazing Grace!

How sweet the sound!

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost, but now I'm found.

Was blind, but now I see.

Twas' Grace that taught my heart to see

And Grace, my fears relieved

How precious did that Grace appear,

The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come

Tis' Grace has brought me safe thus far

And Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.

His word my hope secures

He will my shield and portion be,

As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease,

I shall possess within the veil,

A life of joy and peace.

When we've been there ten thousand years

Bright shining as the sun,

We've no less days to sing God's praise,

Than when we've first begun.

These words have been with me my whole life. But I never really understood them until yesterday. I never felt them until yesterday. I've always understood them from a rational and logical standpoint, but never truly felt them. Yesterday Pastor Youssef preached on grace. God's grace. Here's the amazing part... not that I have done to deserve it, but that HE gives it to me freely! The wretch that I am... He gives it to me freely and with joy. I am in awe of the living God who is patient with me and has waited for me to come home. I am home now Lord...

why does this song haunt me?

2010-09-08T22:35:00.003-04:00

i am listening to an old friend. the familiarity of their voice, their sounds, their words are a balm to my heart. i remember why i am here at this place in my life. i remember to be strong. i remember to wait for God's timing. i am fatigued, but then the calming string of notes plays again and i can sigh. i can release my energy out into the world and give it up to God. this song haunts me because it's melody plays the sound of my soul. i can listen to each note and know what it is that my heart desires. it will not come easy. it will not come swiftly, but it will come. i do not need to rush. rushing and wishing for it to come will not make it come any more swiftly. it will simply come when it is time and not a minute before. so i learn; i wait; i listen; and i enjoy...enjoy the simple melody. the notes that play the sound of my soul.

Miles and sleep

2010-09-06T22:40:00.009-04:00

Miles plays in the background... sleep beckons me to the turned down bed. Satin pillows, soft sheeting, and "Stanley the bear" looking at me with those black shiny eyes that say, "come and let go of the day. Snuggle with me and let's travel your dreams together." But there is so much on my mind tonight. Thoughts that need to be released to the world. Thoughts that need to be purged from my brain and set free to follow the winds of the collective mind.

A story has begun brewing in my imagination. But it still eludes me as far as it's final form is concerned. It teases at the edge of my brain and I wonder how long until I can snatch onto it and put in written form. Miles helps with that... so does the wine, and the weather.

I got out today and just worked in the yard; cleaning, straightening, moving, hauling, and storing... but wait...

...My favorite Miles song begins to play and I can more clearly see that story peaking it's head out. I pray that the song lasts long enough for me to beckon the muse to come to me and reveal it's inspiration. But as I listen, the lull of the trumpet, the soft beat of the drums, and the dim lighting bring to my heart a desire to share this moment with someone who can hold me close, stroke my hair, bring me to my feet and dance me slowly around the room. Letting me know that I am safe. His strong hands gently hold me and give me peace. The songs ends and I am left to store that desire for another day. But I hope. I always hope. A slight smile crosses my lips and I am ready to let it go for now.

I know that the story will come to me, but for now... I must be patient.

Sleep beckons... the bed calls my name, and I have no more power to resist it's promises of a restful sleep.

So good night fair world... until we meet again.

I am not afraid anymore

2010-09-03T10:05:00.005-04:00

I am not afraid anymore. No one can hurt me or take away my joy. I am loved by a God who seeks to uplift, guide, protect, teach, comfort, bless, and sustain me. He fed Elijah in the wilderness, saved Daniel from the lions, freed Paul from his chains and raised His Son from the dead. A God that can do that, can carry me across a sea of turmoil and strife and deliver me safely on the other side. He will set my feet upon sturdy ground and lift me up on high. These are truths that I know I can believe in. Set my hope and faith in and not live in fear. I will not live in fear. I have been on a strange path these past 5 years. But God has been patient. I have tried to run very far away and yet he has always been near. He has revealed himself to me and blessed me when I did not know it. He has brought me home. Now He brings me on a new adventure and though it is new and there is no set course before me. I trust in Him to show me the path. So where to God? Where are you taking me now? I know where I want to go and You do instruct us to set our path, so that you can guide us on Yours. May I please, please go back to where I left my heart so many years ago? Italy. It is never far from my mind and even closer still to my heart. It wakes me in the morning and calms me to sleep at night. I long to get lost in fields of sunflowers and roam the ancient roads of Romans. The morning breeze, the Italian women beating out their rugs from ancient homes that have seen hundreds of generations pass through their halls; fresh mozzarella, peppers, salami, and ripe sweet cherries for lunch as you sit on the city wall overlooking a valley that unfolds before you like a watercolor of golds, greens, reds, and a sky so blue and clear you'd think it was fake. I want to wander the streets of Bologna and listen to students from the university argue through the philosophies of life; watch shop keepers shoo cats from their doorsteps and little old men grunt at me, "the stupid American tourist." This I want to do, but I want Your will first and foremost...So God I am ready...

Tales from our past

2010-08-29T17:29:00.007-04:00

My mother recently stumbled upon her parents love letters. Spanning the course of their courtship and first 5 years of marriage. She has recently organized and shared them with me. I am at first struck by the eloquence, the poetry, the truthfulness, the love that is written on these pages it moves me to tears and I see my grandparents as people, not just my "Memaw" and "Pawpaw."

I loved these people as my grandparents because that is what I had always known them as, but as I read the letters, their story came off the page to me and a love story emerged that lasted until my Memaw's death in 1988. Though she moved onto to a better place, my Pawpaw never stopped loving her and these letters show me why.

A mill town boy and a farm girl. They were both raised in LaGrange GA. and though they never met until much later, their families were familiar with each other. My grandmother Alice was the oldest of two and my grandfather Lloyd also the oldest of two. Ever the playboy, my grandfather had a reputation of being a ladies man, but all that ceased when he saw her. Alice Alexa Lester. In a letter to her shortly after their courtship began he says, "Darling, don't misunderstand me, I love you with all of me and need you everyday more than I did yesterday, but I'm trying to place before you the million and one uncertain thing about my life and never could I show you a good one. I want only that you should be happy and if I can live to see that then I'll be happy."

Just reading these words bring tears to my eyes as I think of my Pawpaw shipped off to fight in WWII and my Memaw wondering and worried as to if he'd ever come back. But she didn't have the advantage that I have today. The instant gratification that modern technology provides. She had to wait. Wait until the USPS delivered those precious letters that I have the privilege to read now.

Oh the grace, beauty and power of his words. No wonder she waited for him, and too his credit (and my benefit), did he do good on his word. He didn't fail her and he provided for her a home, and a life.

Oh that I should be so blessed one day to have the same.

The modern dating world

2010-08-27T23:22:00.002-04:00

Tonight I'll be brief. I have entered the modern dating world via... you guessed it, Online dating sites. I'm still not fully convinced of it's success or failure yet, but I will say this; it has been an interesting ride thus far. I've met some really cool people and have had some great conversations. I've laughed hard, and been challenged to think new things... But here's my quandary... in this world we live in with so much online interaction, as we losing our ability to communicate personally. Have we so become the ADD society we joke about? Are we losing the art of the conversation? The spoken word. The ability to look another person in the eye and let them know how we feel about a subject or them. If the point or purpose to online dating is to fall in love with that one special person... how do you share yourself through a computer screen? Food for thought as I lay my thoughts out on the web tonight. As I try to communicate with you, dear reader through the screen and the virtual world.

Gotta get a little life on ya...

2010-08-23T22:58:00.007-04:00

So here I go again. reinventing myself. I'm actually excited by the prospect. Scared a little sad. But mostly excited. I was listening to a song the other day, and it said "Got to get a little life on ya..." Reminded me not to get so down on myself and that life has given me the opportunity to start again...I am sad that my relationship has ended. It does make me sad. Truly sad. But then I wake up in the morning and I'm excited to start the day. Who knows what new adventure may happen? Or new friend I might meet? One thing I have learned as of late: everything we do makes an impact. BIG or small We make an impact. John Patrick Shanley once wrote, "We are linked together, each to each. You can't breathe without taking a breath from someone else. You can't smile without changing the landscape." I couldn't agree more. We make a splash. It ripples out. It does. We touch each other lives.

I say all this to point out that even though my personal reinvention directly affects me, it also affects others. I can only hope that the one I've hurt through this experience chooses to be affected for the positive and not the negative. Because how we are affected is our choice. I firmly believe that. We are not leaves in the air tossed around at the whims of the wind. We have choices as to where the wind takes us. So that is why I am excited to take this next wind and ride it to my next adventure.

So for now... I stay in the south on a gentle, self-healing breeze, and get to know me...

Courageous Moving

2010-02-01T10:56:00.006-05:00

SO... recently I moved. I packed up my stuff and moved from New York City to Atlanta, GA. The journey has been an interesting one to say the least. In July I lost my job. I wasn't to terribly disappointed in that fact, as the company I worked with was in serious financial trouble and it had become a volatile place to work. The anxiety that I felt from my unemployment came from the fact, that I now could no longer afford my apartment. This became a HUGE problem. But when it was all said and done with, unemployment became the best thing that could have ever happened to me. In the 6 months I've been unemployed. I've worked more and been more creative than I was in the 3 years I was in a firm working as a designer. Something is terribly wrong with that fact. Not that I'm more creative now, but that I wasn't before and it took a life altering slap in the face to get me to be more creative. I have to say that I am taking a lot of inspiration from my friend Tara, who is my age, but she has shown me what courage and pursuing your dreams is really all about. For anyone who wants to see what it means to be brave and to go after your dreams, look to Tara. In order to pursue her dreams of being a TV actress, she moved herself from New York City, to Los Angeles. And on top of all that, she blogs about her adventure every day! Some might think that she is crazy, but not me. I love it! She has inspired me to write more and in so doing, unlock some of the creativity that has been blocked inside me for so many years. Maybe it'll be crap and maybe it won't... Another person who has inspired of late is my boyfriend. Incredibly, he wrote a 1-act play, cast it, directed it, and entered it into a festival. Talk about another brave and courageous person. I mean how nerve wracking to put yourself out there like that for the sake of art. But my GG is just like that. He takes risks, he is CONSTANTLY inspired to do something off the beaten track. He's amazing. So in the footsteps of Tara (http://eastcoastgirloutwest.blog.com), and my boyfriend I am putting myself out there more and more. I am facing my fears and letting go of pre-conceived notions of how things "should" be and most of all I'm gonna drop my fear of being WRONG... The most amazing things just might happen. Good night and good luck...

Basic Principles

2009-09-08T11:12:00.003-04:00

As I continue in my journey of life, I have found an amazing book which makes me uncomfortable because it challenges me. The book is called The Artist Way and this book is based on 10 principles. I want to share them with you.

Basic Principles:

1. Creativity is the natural order of life. Life is energy: pure creative energy

2. There is an underlying, in-dwelling creative force infusing all of life- including ourselves.

3. When we open ourselves to our creativity, we open ourselves up to the Creator's creativity within us and our lives.

4. We are, ourselves, creations. And we, in turn are meant to continue creativity by being creative.

5. Creativity is God's gift to us. Using our creativity is our gift back to God.

6. The refusal to be creative is self-will and is counter to our true nature.

7. When we open ourselves to exploring our creativity, we open ourselves up to God: good orderly direction.

8. As we open our creative channel to the Creator, many gentle but powerful changes are to be expected.

9. It is safe to open ourselves up to greater and greater creativity.

10. Our creative dreams and yearnings come from a divine source. As we move toward our dreams, we move towards our divinity.

Be creative my friends, don't judge your creativity and be open to what you have to offer...

Our secret lists

2009-03-13T23:09:00.021-04:00

This is a hard blog for me to write. I achieved something personal this month. I got to check off something off my "must do before I die" list. I'm not gonna lie, it was scary. I actually did something that I said I was gonna do... just...for...me. This wasn't just paying the bills on time, or sending out that thank you note I've been meaning to write, or finally organizing my photo album. Nope. This was something that I accomplished just for me. Now don't get me wrong, all of the above mentioned tasks are good to do and should not be belittled, but I must tell you that every woman has a secret "to do list" of things they want to experience before they die or are to old to do anymore. I didn't realize I had a list until I turned 30 this past June. I didn't freak out as some people might have imagined, I was actually quite calm about becoming 30. For me it was a right of passage; a sense that I had left behind my immature, unstable 20's in exchange for the clarity and wisdom that my 30's would inevitably bring. Dear reader do you see the punch line coming? I hope so. My 30th birthday came and the magical clarity and wisdom that I anticipated did not. But don't be sad for me and my burst bubble. Surprisingly, something wonderful did happen. Nothing. That's right I said nothing.

Let me digress here for a minute and say, I had a wonderful birthday. My amazing boyfriend planned an exquisite birthday weekend for me and I enjoyed myself thoroughly (even getting to try 3 different chocolate cakes until I had found the right one). So I am by NO means complaining. But nothing magical happened and no angels from heaven descended to give the 30 year old rite of passage ceremony. I simply just became 30. Now, you may think, "where is she going with all this?" Well I'll tell you. It was at this point that I realized that I had a list of things that I wanted to do with my life and I wasn't getting any younger and the list wasn't getting any shorter. The more I thought about it and discussed this revelation with other girlfriends, it occurred to me that I wasn't the only one, I was no different than any other 30 yr old. Except for one thing. Tenacity. I wasn't gonna go through life without checking off a few tasks on my "must do before I die or am to old to do it list." So this month I was able to check off my first BIG task. I became a fitness model. That's right, a fitness model. I had told my boyfriend that I wanted to be in the best shape of my life by the time I turned 30 and he (being the disciplined personal trainer that he is) sculpted me into great shape. And low and behold just after my 30th birthday an acting friend of mine heard me say that I wanted to be a fitness model before I died, and he (being the disciplined personal trainer that he is) recommended me for a Pilate's shoot for Martha Stewart's Body + Soul Magazine. That was it! It happened! I went to Sag Harbor for 2 days, got primped up, pumped up and tuned up for a 5 hour workout session and photo shoot. I would like to stop here and say one thing. Ladies, it looks easy, but it is NOT. You try holding a shoulder bridge (with your leg shooting straight out at a 90 degree angle) for 30 seconds at a time and see if it doesn't give you a leg cramp too. Oh yeah and they're are like a dozen people watching you and scrutinizing your every angle and look, while eating bagels and doughnuts. Now back to my story. So I did it and I did a great job, and I was exhausted afterwards, but at least I can say that I did it! So at the beginning of this very lengthy blog I said that this was hard for me to write... you're thinking why? You had a huge success! And to that I would say, You're right! But it's hard because once you've checked something off your list, you can't go back to being complacent and content with just passing through this life. I can't be happy being complacent and going through this life, knowing that there is a list out there that needs to be checked off. I need follow through and it scares me. Yes I'm scared. Maybe I'm afraid that I'll fail and won't ever check off another thing, or maybe I'm scared that I will. I have this theory that some people are afraid to fail and some people are afraid to succeed. The older I get the more I fall into the second category. When I was a kid I was afraid to fail and it drove me... not that I'm older and maybe just a little bit more cynical, I believe I'm afraid to succeed because then that means that life continues on and it doesn't matter how old you are, 13 or 30, you must never stop challenging yourself and you must never become so set in your ways that you miss the joy and wonder of learning and discovering. I read a book about 1-1/2yr ago, called The Artist Way. In it the author, Julia Cameron, quotes Fyodor Dostoyevski (author of Crime and Punishment). He says, "Taking the first step, uttering the first word is what people fear most." How true. How true for me. I know and I've known for quite some time that I need to shake things up and take the first step. Until the article in Body + Soul magazine came out, I didn't think I would need to. But it did, and now I have physical evidence that I need to do as Diane Mariechild said, "Trust that small, small voice that says, 'This might work and I'll try it'." So now I have you, faceless Internet world to see my confession. To see that I have thrown down the gauntlet. I have a list to check off and a life to experience and I can no longer go through life afraid to succeed. I get choked up as I write this and panic starts to take over, but there is a small, small voice that says, this might work and I'll try it...

Business unusual

2008-11-18T12:25:00.011-05:00

In lieu of writing my own thoughts today I tought I would share my sentiments with you through the words of Cal Thomas.

Whatever your beliefs, I hope that this encourages you dear readers.

**********************************************************************************

Business unusual By Cal Thomas In an age when "big business" and "corporate greed" seem to be synonymous in the public mind, some bright lights occasionally emerge from the darkness brought on by AIG big spenders and over-the-top high-livers. One such light is the CEO of the Aflac Insurance Company (known for the duck in the TV commercials). Dan Amos announced last week he would forego a $13 million golden parachute his company would owe him were he to be fired or lose his job in a merger or acquisition. In an interview with USA Today, Amos said, "If they don't think I am doing a good job, they don't have to worry about paying me off." How refreshing. It would be nice to know how many honest, humble and philanthropic business leaders we have in America. I'm sure they far outnumber the bad ones so often profiled in the media. But then honesty, charity and virtue are not "news," we are told. Maybe not, but by promoting the sleazy and tawdry, rather than the virtuous and admirable, you are likely to get more of the one and less of the other. The Philanthropy Roundtable, a national association of individual donors, foundation trustees and staff, and corporate giving officers, this month awarded the founder and CEO of the Chick-fil-A restaurant chain, S. Truett Cathy, its William E. Simon Prize for Philanthropic Leadership. The prize, named after the late secretary of the treasury, recognizes the highest ideals of corporate and individual philanthropy. Cathy is the poster boy (if at 87 one can still be called a "boy") for selflessness and integrity. He is also a model for what giving back can do for individuals and a nation. "My wife and I were brought up to believe that the more you give, the more you have," Cathy told Philanthropy magazine. "Few people actually believe in this, but we do." What has been lost in this model, which is reflective of another age, is the amount of satisfaction one gets by pouring one's life into other people. In our marketing environment, big houses and boats, private planes and lots of money in personal accounts are said to be the source of pleasure and contentment. Cathy's wealth, while considerable in dollars, is defined by nonmaterial standards. This includes the $18 million his WinShape Foundation spent just last year on foster homes, college scholarships, a summer camp and marriage-counseling programs. Marriage counseling? Cathy believes a stable home is fundamental to bringing up stable children. For those children damaged by broken family ties, Cathy's foundation operates a dozen homes headed by husband-wife teams. The goal is "to provide a loving, nurturing home to those children who are victims of circumstances and need a stable, secure family environment in which to grow and mature." The homes accept boys and girls between the ages of six and 13. They can accommodate as many as 12 children at a time. He is currently a "grandfather" to 150 of them. For 51 years, Cathy taught a Sunday school class made up of 13-year-old boys. In an age when business functions 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, Cathy is a throwback to the blue laws era. None of his restaurants is open on Sunday. Cathy thinks this provides his employees with a biblical "day of rest" that is good for them. While too many customers at retail and food establishments often complain about indifferent employees, Cathy is a stickler for kindness. He insists his employees demonstrate respect for customers and show appreciation for their patronage because it is good for business. "It doesn't cost you any more to be gracious in a service industry, but it sure pays great dividends," he told Philanthropy. If more people knew the pleasure derived from giving for the purpose of changing lives perhaps those ineffective government programs so many conservatives complain about could be dismantled. S. Truett Cathy has found that true wealth is not in possessions, but in giving. This not only benefits individuals, but ultimately society. Rather than build a personal empire, he is storing up treasures. "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:19). In a day when the stock market is unpredictable, Cathy's investments in people will pay dividends long into the future.

Gorgeously Green!

2008-09-26T22:31:00.015-04:00

I've recently read the most facinating and amazing book. It changed my life and I feel compelled to tell everyone I know about it! The book is called Gorgeously Green. Written by Sophie Uliano, it takes a "glamorous" look at being eco-concious.

I recently took a vacation down to Costa Rica. While waiting for the plane to load it's passengers, I wandered through the overpriced bookstore. There sitting in the bargain book was ths book. Not thinking much of it I didn't give it a second glance. But then my boyfriend picked it up and said that I looked like the girl on the cover...Well of course I picked it up immediately (wink). But there beneath the cover was a world of information that was incredible. Here was this woman who talked about being eco-concious WITHOUT feeling like you had to walk around in a burlap sack, never wear makeup or bathe. Instead she detailed out 8 steps in which you could help protect our planet and still be "glamorous" doing it! Take a look at this video for yourself. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtyV1RsQBfI

I was hooked and over the next few weeks I learned about all kinds of ways to help the environment and ourselves. For me, I had always thought that being green meant that you had to be an activist. You know hear about it on the news all the time, people tying themselves to trees and oil tankers or throwing red paint on fur coats. That's not what I wanted to do. I wanted to (as Ghandi said) "be the change I want to see in the world." To me, that meant making small changes that have BIG impacts. God made us caretakers of this world. It is our responsibilty to protect it, preserve it, and conserve it. Too people have this view that the enivironment is something outside of ourselves, but really we are apart of the environment. We are part of the eco-system.

This country spends millions (perhaps even billions) of dollars every year promoting health, diet, recovered youth, and weight loss. We put into our bodies all kinds of "magic" pills, oinment, and syrums that are supposed to heal, and safe guard us against the tides of time and the environment. Did ever occur to anyone that all we need to stay strong, healthy, and slim has been provided to us right here on this earth. Or that these magic pills might be doing more damage to you that it is good?

We have become a society of instant gratification. I'm guilty of it and I'm sure that there are others. We want to see results now. We want change now. I believe that because of this attitude that modern day society adopted we have lost (and are losing) something very dear in the process. Our humanity, our connection to others, our connection to ourselves, and our world.

This book teaches us that by pausing, taking and breath and slowing down just a little we can do so much good in ourselves, our homes, and the world. I encourage you to look at the website and buy the book. You don't have to completely rearrange your life to green you can make a big impact with one small change. If we each make one small change in our daily lives, think about how those changes add up. I read in a book the other day, "If every U.S. citizen ate just one meal a week (any meal) composed of locally and organically raised meats and produce, we would reduce our country’s oil consumption by over 1.1 million barrels of oil every week. That’s not gallons, but barrels. Small changes in buying habits can make big differences. Becoming a less energy-dependent nation may just need to start with a good breakfast(Animal, Vegetable, Miracle http://www.animalvegetablemiracle.com/Steven%20Excerpt.html)." I assure you that once you make one small change, others will follow. You'll feel better about yourself and the world around you.

We only have one world and only we have the power to protect it. I leave you with a quote from Gorgeously Green: "In Nazi Germany, it was said, 'the road to hell was paved with indifference.' I think it's the same way with saving the planet (http://gorgeouslygreen.com/)."

Why!

2008-09-25T15:19:00.005-04:00

Why is it that we are so good at doing things we don't enjoy? I'd also like to know why people can't except decisions that you make for your life and career. Just be happy for me. If I don't want to follow a career that makes good money, but stresses the hell out of me and makes me crazy and unhappy, don't keep suggesting that I do. If I want to make a career path that pays less, but makes me happy and fulfilled... be happy for me.

C'mon people! You wouldn't want me to do that to you! Lay off!

I'm happy with the choices that I've made. Why can't you just support me and be happy for me in that choice? Why!?

30 . . . what does it all mean?

2008-07-12T12:18:00.004-04:00

I turned 30 this summer... Wow! 30! I couldn't believe it... I don't feel 30. I feel 22, some days younger. As a child I looked at older people and thought wow 30 is so old. Even as a teenager, it felt like 30 was that definitive moment when you would have some sort of epiphany and know the answers to all of life questions. Since turning the BIG 3...0... I have realized that I know absolutely nothing. I don't have all the answers, I don't need to know all the answers and... I don't want to know all the answers.

It's kind of liberating in a way...

True Beauty

2008-03-16T11:14:00.006-04:00

I have been having a query of late. What is true beauty? You may think to yourself, "this is an easy answer, it's your inner self, it's your inner light and confidence." Or you may think, "no it's Angelina Jolie's lips, Jennifer Garner's collar bone, or Jessica Beal's tush." Not to be cliche, but does Beauty truly lie in the eye of the beholder? To you, the reader, this may be seem an easy answer. But for me, Southern Girl in the Big Apple, it is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. I work in an area populated with models, photography studios, movie sets, and aspiring fashionistas. I walk past hundreds of women everyday that are tall, leggy, platinum blondes and burgundy brunettes. They are all draped in the most dramatic and sensuous blacks, greys and other thought provoking earth tones. Each one of them covering their faces with over sized "Jackie O" sunglasses and carrying a cigarette or Starbucks tall extra skim soy latte (Let the writer add a disclaimer here, there is nothing wrong with Starbucks tall extra skin soy lattes, they are quite good; the cigarettes I cannot recommend). Each one of them are, no doubt, going off to a photo shoot, set call, or studio to be fitted. Is this beauty? The way they command the runways, streets and attention of all testosterone packing beings in the city is something to be admired. These women that I have detailed to you, are considered beautiful. But what about me? I am beautiful too. I am not tall or leggy. My hair is blonde, but not platinum. I go to Starbucks, but don't smoke. I am beautiful because my inner beauty shines through. My inner beauty is comprised of confidence, calmness, humility, gentleness, goodness, and self control... A man named Peter wrote a letter in the first century with wise words that still apply today: "Beauty should not come from what you wear. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth."

Christmas 2007

2008-01-01T21:18:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year!

It's been a while since my last entry. I've been busy with the holidays. My guy and I came home to the south for a little Southern Christmas hospitality.

It has been my experience that Christmas in New York and Christmas in the South are two very different experiences. Since I am a Southern girl I have certain expectations of what the Holiday season should be like. Since this has been my second Christmas in New York, I've been able to see some of the differences between the "North"and "South."

In the South there is lots of cooking; cooking of recipes that have been passed down from generation to generation of women. I have delicious childhood memories of my Mother, Grandmother, and Great-grandmother all in the kitchen cooking cakes, pies, and cookies. Each one giving her own opinion of how sift the flour, or stir the batter, or whether or not the baking soda should be cold or room temperature. As a child I remember wondering what the difference was and why was it worth arguing over, but to these Matriarchs of my family, it was of the greatest importance. As an adult, I now find myself defending and arguing over the process at which these women spent so much time.

My experience in the North (particularly people in the city) has been that when people spend time visiting with friends or family, as we do in the South, they order their dishes from the local deli or pastry shop. Instead of arguing over recipe secrets, they argue over which has found the best deli or pastry shop. They make reservations at delicious restaurants hidden in tucked away corners of the city. They pride themselves on getting reservations at hard to reserve restaurants. They argue over the best italian cuisine instead over the best fried chicken.

In the South we tease that Northerners are gruff and harsh, just as they tease that we are stubborn and slow. But I have learned that so many people in the North are warm and friendly even if they do have a rougher exterior than what I am accustomed to. So many people up here have been so helpful and kind. When the temperatures drop, the holiday spirit rises. There's a smell in the air of pine, and mistletoe and cheer. The strange thing is that same smell makes its way into the South at this time of year as well. Maybe its a coincidence, maybe its the season. Maybe its the Reason for the Season.

I love my family and I love how intergrated food is into the Southern culture. A family or family gathering is defined by the food that is served there. It is essential to setting the mood of any event by what is served and how it is prepared. It seems though, that whether you labor in the kitchen or labor over which deli to patronize every dish is selected and gathered with love.

For those Northern city women who may read this entry I must beg your forgiveness as I have simply expressed the humble opinion of a Southern Girl in the Big City.

Happy New Year!

My First Blog...

2007-12-05T12:31:00.000-05:00

I decided to start this blog as a way to creatively share my thoughts, ideas, and muse with the internet community. I am reading a book called The Artist's Way. Great book! But it is really teaching me to unblock myself creatively and release the artist within myself that is screaming to release and create. So as a first step at releasing my inner artist. Here are a couple of images that I took with my camera. Enjoy!

Fence Posts at a Restaurant in Beaufort, SC.

Classic Columns... sooooo typical of the Southern Coastline.

Sooooo... Hopefully more to come in the next few days...

2007-12-04T12:45:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my Blog spot. I am Bree Shannon. Interior Designer by day and an Actor by night. Since this is my first posting, I'm not sure what to write.... What does one typically write to an unseen reader and viewer? I am an only child. I have two great, if not over-protective, parents, and I am loved by a wonderful guy. I live in New York City and this country girl from the south loves it. It took me a while to adjust, but now that I've adjusted and I really like it up here.

This is me. In case you didn't figure it out already. Well... that's all for now.