Saturday, January 29, 2011

Ask Questions

I start out this entry FIRED UP! I mean really!? Really? REALLY? If you don't know the answer to something...ask questions, inquire, find out, get curious....aren't you curious? Don't you want to know for yourself instead of waiting for someone to tell you the answer?
It is infuriating to have discovered answers to questions (on my own, that no one just gave to me), only to have someone just expect me to give it to them as well. NO SIR! I do not give away my hard work to you just so you can pass by...while I struggled. Doesn't work like that.
There is a wealth of knowledge waiting to be discovered and half the fun is the journey not just the end result. We have become a nation of instant gratification, so much so, that to learn, study, dig, research, and deduce are terms of the past. But I will not succumb to that way of thinking. I will continue to explore, ask questions, and journey to the answers of life's questions.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Music and Friends

Tonight I was inspired by two things...friends and music. I'll start with the music. Isn't it amazing how music affects us? A simple chord or melody, a rhythm or tempo can draw a physical reaction out of us...That happened to me tonight. I had a physical reaction to a song. I cried. The piano began to play. The chords and harmonies fell in sync with one another and I was physically moved. But then the voice of the musician began to sing; a love song. A sweet simple love song told in three verses and connected by one lovely repeating chorus. A story...played out on the ivory keys of a piano. As I sit here and relay in my head the moments in this simple song writers words I am moved to tears. A lump in my throat; a sting in my eye; a touch in my soul and I am drawn into the pictures that the songwriter paints. Soft and touching...so filled with feeling. I am the luckiest...it is an amazing feat to move one in music. Though I am no expert I relish the days when I am locked safely in my car and I can emote all the emotions of the day in a song...or two. These songs are like balms to my heart. Whether I've had a bad day, a sentimental one, or a gloriously successful day, I can find a song that can support, uplift, or charge that day and mood with ammunition! Music is a therapy unto itself. Now onto Friends...I am an only child. I've never had a sister until now. I have been blessed to have some of the most wonderful girlfriends! But my Jilly...she has been...oh! I have to stop and breath. I am so overcome with emotion at the angel that God sent to me in the form of Jill. She has become a sounding board of reason when I have been unreasonable. She has let me go, knowing that I needed to run and then welcomed me with open arms when I came back. She has pushed me, pulled me, and loved me. I have truly found my soul sister. She knows the strength I possess and when I share with her the innermost secrets and discoveries of my heart...she listens, truly listens...and knows where I have come from and where I am going. She sees my potential. She believes in me and as I own my potential... she stands and applauds as I do. Sleep claims me... But I go to bed with a heart that does so with friends, music, and love...

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Going to the races

Saw a show tonight. Networked as is necessary in my line of work. Had a blast and learned something new for myself. I am employable. Not only that, I am likeable. People want to be around me. "DUH!" Some people might say...but really it's good to do a body check sometimes and realize the truth of who you are. I did that today. It was good for me... I didn't expect to write to you tonight, but I felt the need to express. Expressing myself these days has become vastly important. People get so tongue tied and overly conscious of NOT hurting people's feeling that they just don't speak anymore. They don't express themselves. My thoughts are kinda random tonight. There's alot swirling around in my brain at the moment. But here's a thought that is taking hold. How can I change the world around me? How can I make a difference in the acting community in which I reside? I realized tonight that there is SO much potential for incredible acting here in A-town! We have so much talent waiting to be shown; plays to be seen; music to be heard; why aren't we seeing it? The more I am here the more I want to make something happen! I started a theatre company once...I can do it again. Only this time I'll learn from the mistakes made before. You know I've been given the opportunity to do something near and dear to my heart...I'm not even sure how it happened or if it will, but if it does...OH I would be delighted. I dare not write it out just in case I jinks it... but the more I think about it the more I get excited about it. This little mustard seed, has the potential to grow into something big... bigger than me. I dare not breath it out loud for it is so delicate and new that it could be blown away with a whisper. But I will say this, it is the beginning of something awesome! Everyday, I stand in awe of the fact that I have a God that has allowed me to do my hearts desire...be my own boss. I am actually doing what I always said I would do. I'm doing it! Let me say that again, "I'm doing it!!!!" Hot damn...that is soooo cool! Tomorrow I start back in the gym. It's been 6 months since I really took my fitness and health seriously. I guess that was bound to happen. Being in the kind of relationship that I was in, only provokes the opposite reaction once the chains are released. So I drank too hard, ate too much and stopped exercising... I think it was a moment of "you don't own me anymore, so I'm gonna do what I want to do." I just needed to relax and remember how to enjoy life again. Now that I've found that moderation, I can go back to working on my body as well as my mind and spirit. This entry tonight is as random as a conversation with a kid with ADD... but at least I purged it out of my head. Life is a process...

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Il Mio Cuore

I begin tonight with a quote from Father Pedro Arrupe: "What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what gets you out of bed in the mornings, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything."
I start with this quote because I needed to hear it tonight. A little reminder is always necessary. Today I needed that reminder. It was a cold, wet, rainy day and the damp air crept into my heart. It was a hard day for me. The sparkle in my eye was a little dull, the light turned down...not off mind you, just down. It's amazing you know? How certain things can trigger your memories... sounds, objects, picture, and smells. On days like these I am reminded of certain times in my life with similar weather. It is these memories that I go to when my environment has me down. One such night comes to mind. They say that scent is the strongest link to memory that we have; I agree. My first night in Cortona is haunting to say the least. It has been a long week and a half. Rome was deflating (except for the Pantheon and the Sistine Chapel), Naples breathtaking, Pompeii eery, and the drive to Cortona exhausting. But we arrive. The town is inviting and would become the balm to my confused and conflicted heart. We've paired up our roommates and as God would have it I roomed with the only person I could've ever imagined spending a summer with... Bri. We are exactly as we should be... two peas in a pod. Our room is a citadel with 3' thick walls and a view that takes ones' breath away. The "wash room" below and the yard of drying sheets, shirts and the occasional bra would become natural accessories to the Etruscan hills above and sunflower filled valleys below. But on this night, our first... it was a completely different scene. This night was a night of spirits and ghosts. Amid the sleeping sunflowers, was nestled an ancient cemetery. From this cemetery came mists that whipped around our little monastery hotel, moaning, screeching, and thrusting upon us their tales of lives long past. Shutters shut both on the exterior and interior of the 3' thick walls could not keep the voices out. Timidly Bri and I peaked outside to view the storm. What I saw, I think I shall never see again...and I'm not exaggerating. We witnessed long white apparitions thrusting up the mountain like wraiths filled with fury. As we watched these forms chaotically claw their way to the top of the mountain, one or two would charge at us and rain would be spit in our faces, the shutters would shake and the monastery would moan. What a sight to behold! Quickly shutting ourselves back inside our little room we sank into sleep with the ancient world beating at our door. The next morning, the battle that had raged the night before brought sunny skies, crisp fresh air, and the promise of a journey that could only be had in Cortona. Il mio cuore. So for you dear reader I say this, though the spirit dampens, and gets wet, the flame never goes out. I am met with the prospect of a new day, new opportunities, new conversations to be had and subjects to be explored. This excites me. This invigorates me, and for lack of a better phrase and in grave danger of being cheesy... "Tomorrow is another day."

Monday, January 24, 2011

Living the dream that others take for granted...

How do we take dreams for granted? How does that happen? A friend recently told me of a number of people he has worked with that complain about their jobs. Now it should be noted that the writer (namely me) understands that EVERYONE has, is, or will complain about their jobs. It's a given. We're human and imperfect and all have bad days; BUT this particular group of people that I'm referring to are ACTORS! People so dear to my heart! They complain about their jobs. In fact to quote my friend, they are bitter people. This disappoints me so much. How is this possible? These actors are even successful actors. They work on Broadway! I would give my whole career to work on Broadway! In fact, I moved to New York just to be near Broadway. When I was 17 I went on a school trip to NYC for an art/ history trip. The last night we were there we finally got tickets to see Grease! Now the rest of the group could've cared less, but to me it was a dream come true. I could hardly breath. The lights, the hustle and bustle of theatre- goers all making their way to the theatres; it was magic. Just before entering the theatre, I looked back at Times Square and cried. I had to come back. I just had to! This is where theatre magic happened, and I was gonna be apart of it in some form... Grease! was Grease! Pelvis' gyrated, skirts were big, gum smacked outta red shiny Pink Lady lips, and Danny Zucko curled his lips in scream inspired sexual tension. It was awesome! But to be perfectly honest... it was Broadway that got me giddy. We left for home the next day, I wanted to cry but wouldn't in front of my classmates, but my art teacher took me aside and promised that I'd be back some day. She was right. I did come back...so many times. But I finally lived there...I LIVED in New York City, but alas I had to leave. It started to rob me of my joy of acting, of loving, of living...I became hard and jilted, cynical and sarcastic. BUT never in my four years there, did I ever complain about having to go to an audition, or learning a scene in class, or FINALLY being simultaneously cast in 2 plays and 1 movie. I squealed with delight! Somebody wanted to hire me! They needed me to do a job. I got to act...how could I be bitter about that? How could I begrudge learning lines and blocking, or not want to create a character? How could I be bitter about the amazing opportunity to live a dream!? And yet there are those out there, who take their gifts for granted! They don't see that there are thousands of actors who would give anything to have that shot! That role; That director; That script; Those words; Or that music. I am one of those thousands! I've said this before in an earlier blog, but I'm gonna say it again. My Papa once reminded me when I started complaining about "having to go to work." He corrected me and said, "No Bree, you GET to go to work." Those words have never left me. I GET to work. I am not restrained by mental, emotional, or physical restrictions. I have the opportunity to serve God and serve others every day with my hands, my voice, my talents, myself. Oh that everyone could be as blessed as I have been to given the opportunity to pursue the dream of my lifetime. I GET to be an actor! That's my job! My whole life I have dreamed nothing but to do this and I am doing it! God I pray that I NEVER take that for granted, and if I do, send somebody to slap me upside the head and remind me of this entry. I am sorry that I am so charged tonight, but I am so emotionally full that I had to release myself onto the page.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

New York sort of night

So dear reader... Miles is playing, you know what that means.
He plays and I get in that mood. That mood that says write. Write something, write anything, but write. Listen to my melody; my broken melancholy melody and let your fingers go where they might. Give them reign to freely go where they might. Write the hidden secrets of your heart.
So I obey, I let my imagination take me down misty streets of Downtown New York. Those wonderfully foggy nights when the warm air from the rivers meet with the cool air of the night and the city is transformed into a scene from Casablanca. Bogart throws a half smoked cigarette on the ground and takes Ingrid in his arms for that passionate last kiss.
I've always wanted to wear a trench coat and black high heels on such night. To walk, nay saunter out of some smoky basement Italian joint leaving the man who jilted me watch, as I slip away into the black mist. Yeah, that'd be something. Of course it'd be in black and white, so that the viewer is left to imagine the exact shade of my pouty lips... or watch my eyes as they glisten with the tears that I dare not spill. My glossy hair cascading in waves around my face... giving Veronica Lake a run for her money. Even now this description has me smiling and longing to don my grandfather's Fedora and slide into my Ted Baker trench.
There's something about Miles... I know I've said it before, so patience with me faceless world if I repeat myself... I'm sure it won't be the last time. But he plays with so much feeling. I so long to be sitting in some dark blue lit dive, vodka martini in hand, dressed in black, and eyes closed while I sway as the trio improvise their way through my soul. It is haunting. It is truthful. It is filled with so much emotion and heart. I long to communicate my own soul in the same manner.
Why is it that we cannot express ourselves in everyday life the way that we do on screen, on stage, in music, and in dance. Oh to actually express myself with such freedom and grace, poise, charm, and most importantly truth. If we were as truthful in real life as we are on the page, what a world we would be.
I realize that all this is senseless musings but they are the thoughts that Miles and my fingers are bringing to light. My FAVORITE song has begun to play and tears well up in my eyes. I imagine that I am being held so tenderly, so softly, and we sway to the sound that fills the space. The blue lit room holds just us and it is a safe haven in which I can completely relax in. I exhale with my whole being and he holds me. Strong arms that tell me I don't have to fight. I can just rest and be... be Bree. He strokes my back so lightly that I barely feel the touch but know that I have been caressed.
The songs ends and the next track wakes me from my vision. The tear wells dry and I move to another part of the city... Riverside park in the fall. The hidden paths, the dogs and their owners, bikers and nannies with their wards. There is a chill in the air and the gold, ochre, and fire colored leaves set off brilliantly from the dark and wet tree trunks. Somewhere you smell a fire and the taste of hot apple cider suddenly salivates in your mouth... Oh yes dear reader, it is a New York sort of night.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Golden Globes and what the *beep* am I doing?

What am I doing? My biological clock is obviously ticking....I want a family. I want a husband to understand me and love me with all of my idiosyncrasies, neuroses, and perfections. But I also want a career in acting. I want to not have to worry about where the next check is coming from and will I have enough to pay my bills. Can I afford gas this month or will I have to compromise another bill to eat?
Is it wrong that I should want a man who loves me for who I am and not what I bring to the bank account? Wow! I just realized what a profound statement that is. I wonder how many other women feel or think that way about their own relationships (or lack thereof)? Are they keeping themselves from relationships for fear of what they have to bring to the financial realm of the relationship?
I just watch the Golden Globes tonight. As usual, I cried. I always do, but tonight I cried for myself. What am I doing? I'm 32 years old. Most people who are gonna "make it," have already done so by my age. So what the *beep* am I doing?
Why do we do the things we do? Why do we choose the paths we choose? God directs our paths, but why does He send us out in certain directions? Why am I, at 32 and after 10 years being an interior designer, working retail at West Elm, scrounging for whatever role I can get, and once again living with my parents? WHY?
I want to be on that screen, stage, camera, role... I want to be exploring these roles. Oh God show me patience. I want it all now! But my timing is not your timing and in my limited sight, I do not see what plans you have for me nor path you have laid out for me... All I know is that, aside from serving You, I have 2 burning desires in my life right now. One is to be a working actor and the other is to be a wife and mother.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Are the arts important?

Tonight someone posed the question to me (and forgive me if I paraphrase), 'Why support the arts? What benefit do the arts pose to mankind?' Well, I must say that after I picked my jaw up off the floor, I was speechless. At the time my mind was overwhelmed with such disgust and shock that someone could even think such a question, much less verbalize it, that I barely remember what I retorted. I'm sure it lacked in the punch and zing that I intended it. But on the drive home, it got me to thinking. Are the arts important? Why do we need the arts? This is what I came to; This is what I wished I had said; This is what was rattling through my brain as I tried to contemplate this persons ignorance. The arts and specifically to me acting, allows us (society) on one hand to escape from the stresses, the worries, the struggles, and the pains that our daily lives hand us. Why are shows like Desparate Housewives so popular? Is it because it is so realistic and close to home that it's like watching the news? Or is it because it's so far fetched and fantastical that it transports us from the ordinary white walls of our cookie cutter apartments to Whisteria Lane? Just the name tells us we're not in Kansas anymore. The adventures, scandals, murders, love affairs, and gorgeous cast members allow us for 50 minutes every Sunday night to escape the impending Monday morning meetings, expense reports, and never ending spreadsheets... Allow me another example of how the arts enrich our lives. You come home from work and turn on the TV, yet there is no TV because there is no arts and therefore no need for the contraption in the first place. So you turn to read a book, magazine, or newspaper yet there is none of the above due to the fact that no one has taken to the art of the written word. So then you turn to your CDs/ i-pod/ or radio but nothing plays and there is no such technology because there is no need for it. So in silence you eat your meal of roasted salmon, with brown rice pilaf, and grilled asparagus with fresh rosemary...yet even that is an art form for the taste buds. It is art, creativity, and imagination that creates such delectible selections for our palates. I could continue on to the furniture you sit on, the clothes you wear, and even carpet you walk on... all results of someone's artistic mind creating these items. A third example if you will; this audacious person from earlier tonight suggested that sports was not an art, well, dear sir the very games that you dearly love to argue over, bet on, and play in were creative initives of men who artistically created "games" to be played between men for fun. Well you might say that it is not an art form... I encourage you to say that to the coaches, team members, and staff that spend their lives artistically and strategically "playing" against one another on the field, course, or court. To be an athlete is to be an artist. God is an artist. The detail, color, music, scents, and views that He created are all artistically rendered in this world... The human mind is a vast canvas of art... The arts not only help us to escape and dream, but they shape the world around us. They inspire inventions, technology, and science. You may argue that they are not important or worth investing in. Or perhaps you think that artist are simply just "having fun" as opposed to getting real jobs. But I say, why do a job if you don't have fun doing it? I am living my dream. I am not settling and for the first time in my adult life, I am creating and being the artist that I was created to be. God blessed me with talents, I will not insult the great creator by ignoring them or not using them.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Wait till you see him

Oh Ella... How you can out into words what my heart feels.
It is a new year and I'm already off to a good start. A new gig, a new agent, a fresh start. When I look back a year ago and I think about all that I faced then. I look at now and am soooo thankful for the journey. I am so very thankful for the journey.
I have been blessed to have loved and been loved deeply. I have been loved. I have loved. I will be loved and will love again... but for now, I focus on me. The task at hand. I will use the love, the hurt, the joy, the pain. I will use it all and pour myself into this year and all the roles that lie ahead.
A good note to start off the new year. I had my first New Year in 12 years without someone to kiss at the strike of midnight... my how the girl is gone and replaced with the woman. I felt no shame at being alone. I was not sad. Rather I felt blessed. I was surrounded by friends. I am in good standing with my family and I have a wonderful future ahead. What a better way to start 2011.
To quote Ella... Wait till you see him, You won't believe your eyes! No offense to Ms. Fitzgerald, but wait til you see me! You won't believe your eyes!
Bring 2011...I am ready.

About Me

My photo
Hello. I'm Bree Tuttle, owner of You in Mind Designs, LLC. I've been a designer for 13 years and I work with you in mind. There's much joy in discovering those treasures in your home that are, perhaps, misplaced or even in the attic. I will help you making every room a reflection of who you are personally. It's my philosophy that if you feel proud, safe, and at peace in your home, then it will affect all aspects of your life. You stand straighter, walk taller, dress better, work harder, sleep more soundly, and ultimately have a more fulfilling life. If I can help you do that, then I'll consider my job as your designer a success.