Monday, September 27, 2010

They say that growing up is hard to do

Oddly enough, I’m technically supposed to be grown up. I’m not. I’m still very young and the older I get the more I’m aware of how much I don’t know. I’ve just realized a blogging trend of mine. Miles. Every time, I put on Miles I feel like writing. I wonder if the irregular beats of his trumpets mixed in with the bass and drums get into my head and relax me long enough to just put words on pages. Its a soothing blend and it let’s my fingers release the thoughts swirling in my muddled mind.

Tonight will be a short post as I am tired and am in great need of rest. But I can confidently say that I have been blessed by a wonderfully gracious week. God is so good to me. He is drawing me near to Him in ways that I have not felt in a long time. He is sloughing off the dead skin of my life and allowing new vibrant healthy skin to grow. It is wonderfully painful. Standing alone for the first time in… ever. A nice way to make my way into my 30’s. It is not to say that I am enduring some loneliness, but those times are needed. The quiet of the room, the silence of my life, gives way to the re-acquaintance of my mind, body, and soul. It is a strange thing being alone with ones self, but a much needed phase.

Of course, I’m never alone. My friends have resurfaced in a way I don’t dare to deserve and my time with them has been awesome. I have been shown love these past few months. God has orchestrated for me a tasting of what's to come for my life. I don’t what, but I do know that it will be greater than I dare dream. He says ask and ye shall receive…so I ask. I know He will not disappoint.

Well Friends. I say Bon Nuit, Bonne Notte, and Good Night.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Big Funk

Today, my words shall best be expressed by Mr. John Patrick Shanley: "A man in our society is not left alone. Not in the cities. Not in the woods. We must have commerce with our fellows, and that commerce is difficult and uneasy. I do not understand how to live in this society. I don't get it. Each person has an enormous effect. Call it environmental impact if you like. Where my foot falls, I leave a mark, whether I want to or not. We are linked together, each to each. You can't breather without taking a breath from somebody else. You can't smile without changing the landscape. And so I ask the question: Why is theatre so ineffectual, unnew, not exciting, fussy, not connected to the thrilling recognition possible in dreams? It's a question of spirit. My ungainly spirit thrashes around inside me, making me feel lumpy and sick. My spirit is this moment dissatisfied with the outward life I inhabit. Why does my outward life not reflect the enormity of the miracles of existence? Why are my eyes blinded with always new scales, my ears stopped with think chunks of fresh wax, why are my fingers calloused again? I don't ask these questions lightly. I beat on the stone door of my tomb. I want out! Some days I wake up in a tomb, some days on a grassy mound by a river. Today I woke up in a tomb. Why does my spirit sometimes retreat into a deathly closet? Perhaps it is not my spirit leading the way at such times, but my body, longing to lie down in marble gloom and rot away. Theatre is a safe place to do unsafe things that need to be done. When it is not a safe place, it's abusive to actors and audiences alike. When its safety is used to protect cowards masquerading as heros, it's a boring travesty. An actor who is truly heroic reveals the divine that passes through him, that aspect of himself that does not own and cannot control. The control and the artistry of the heroic actor is in service to his soul. We live in an era of enormous cynicism. Do not be fooled. Don't act for money. You'll start feel dead and bitter. Don't act for glory. You'll start to feel dead, fat, and fearful. We live in an era of enormous cynicism. Do not be fooled. You can't avoid all the pitfalls. There are lies you must tell. But experience the lie. See it as something dead and unconnected you clutch. And let it go. Act from the depth of your feeling imagination. Act for celebration, for search, for grieving, for worship, to express that desolate sensation of wandering through the howling wilderness. Don't worry about Art. Do these things and it will be Art." Thank you Mr. Shanley... I can only follow that up to say. "Anything you do, let it come from you, then it will be new, give us more to see..."

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace!
How sweet the sound!
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I'm found.
Was blind, but now I see.
Twas' Grace that taught my heart to see
And Grace, my fears relieved
How precious did that Grace appear,
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come
Tis' Grace has brought me safe thus far
And Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun,
We've no less days to sing God's praise,
Than when we've first begun.
These words have been with me my whole life. But I never really understood them until yesterday. I never felt them until yesterday. I've always understood them from a rational and logical standpoint, but never truly felt them. Yesterday Pastor Youssef preached on grace. God's grace. Here's the amazing part... not that I have done to deserve it, but that HE gives it to me freely! The wretch that I am... He gives it to me freely and with joy. I am in awe of the living God who is patient with me and has waited for me to come home. I am home now Lord...

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

why does this song haunt me?

i am listening to an old friend. the familiarity of their voice, their sounds, their words are a balm to my heart. i remember why i am here at this place in my life. i remember to be strong. i remember to wait for God's timing. i am fatigued, but then the calming string of notes plays again and i can sigh. i can release my energy out into the world and give it up to God. this song haunts me because it's melody plays the sound of my soul. i can listen to each note and know what it is that my heart desires. it will not come easy. it will not come swiftly, but it will come. i do not need to rush. rushing and wishing for it to come will not make it come any more swiftly. it will simply come when it is time and not a minute before. so i learn; i wait; i listen; and i enjoy...enjoy the simple melody. the notes that play the sound of my soul.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Miles and sleep

Miles plays in the background... sleep beckons me to the turned down bed. Satin pillows, soft sheeting, and "Stanley the bear" looking at me with those black shiny eyes that say, "come and let go of the day. Snuggle with me and let's travel your dreams together." But there is so much on my mind tonight. Thoughts that need to be released to the world. Thoughts that need to be purged from my brain and set free to follow the winds of the collective mind.
A story has begun brewing in my imagination. But it still eludes me as far as it's final form is concerned. It teases at the edge of my brain and I wonder how long until I can snatch onto it and put in written form. Miles helps with that... so does the wine, and the weather.
I got out today and just worked in the yard; cleaning, straightening, moving, hauling, and storing... but wait...
...My favorite Miles song begins to play and I can more clearly see that story peaking it's head out. I pray that the song lasts long enough for me to beckon the muse to come to me and reveal it's inspiration. But as I listen, the lull of the trumpet, the soft beat of the drums, and the dim lighting bring to my heart a desire to share this moment with someone who can hold me close, stroke my hair, bring me to my feet and dance me slowly around the room. Letting me know that I am safe. His strong hands gently hold me and give me peace. The songs ends and I am left to store that desire for another day. But I hope. I always hope. A slight smile crosses my lips and I am ready to let it go for now.
I know that the story will come to me, but for now... I must be patient.
Sleep beckons... the bed calls my name, and I have no more power to resist it's promises of a restful sleep.
So good night fair world... until we meet again.

Friday, September 3, 2010

I am not afraid anymore

I am not afraid anymore. No one can hurt me or take away my joy. I am loved by a God who seeks to uplift, guide, protect, teach, comfort, bless, and sustain me. He fed Elijah in the wilderness, saved Daniel from the lions, freed Paul from his chains and raised His Son from the dead. A God that can do that, can carry me across a sea of turmoil and strife and deliver me safely on the other side. He will set my feet upon sturdy ground and lift me up on high. These are truths that I know I can believe in. Set my hope and faith in and not live in fear. I will not live in fear. I have been on a strange path these past 5 years. But God has been patient. I have tried to run very far away and yet he has always been near. He has revealed himself to me and blessed me when I did not know it. He has brought me home. Now He brings me on a new adventure and though it is new and there is no set course before me. I trust in Him to show me the path. So where to God? Where are you taking me now? I know where I want to go and You do instruct us to set our path, so that you can guide us on Yours. May I please, please go back to where I left my heart so many years ago? Italy. It is never far from my mind and even closer still to my heart. It wakes me in the morning and calms me to sleep at night. I long to get lost in fields of sunflowers and roam the ancient roads of Romans. The morning breeze, the Italian women beating out their rugs from ancient homes that have seen hundreds of generations pass through their halls; fresh mozzarella, peppers, salami, and ripe sweet cherries for lunch as you sit on the city wall overlooking a valley that unfolds before you like a watercolor of golds, greens, reds, and a sky so blue and clear you'd think it was fake. I want to wander the streets of Bologna and listen to students from the university argue through the philosophies of life; watch shop keepers shoo cats from their doorsteps and little old men grunt at me, "the stupid American tourist." This I want to do, but I want Your will first and foremost...So God I am ready...

About Me

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Hello. I'm Bree Tuttle, owner of You in Mind Designs, LLC. I've been a designer for 13 years and I work with you in mind. There's much joy in discovering those treasures in your home that are, perhaps, misplaced or even in the attic. I will help you making every room a reflection of who you are personally. It's my philosophy that if you feel proud, safe, and at peace in your home, then it will affect all aspects of your life. You stand straighter, walk taller, dress better, work harder, sleep more soundly, and ultimately have a more fulfilling life. If I can help you do that, then I'll consider my job as your designer a success.