It's been awhile

So it's been awhile. Sorry to be absent for such a long time, but so much has happened. And I've debated over this for quite sometime, but rather than attempt to catch you up, I'll just start with this:

I. GOT. MARRIED!!!

Oh JOY!!! Surrender can be a glorious thing. Surrender is a freeing act of letting go, and in my case letting God. You see back in March of this year, I fully surrendered my will and control over to God. It took awhile in the making, like all great surrenders do, but once I fully turned over the white flag of my heart to the Great Creator, an amazing thing happened. I found peace. I found joy. I found loneliness. I found healing. I found grace. I found my relationship with God once again.

Just as in the parable of the prodigal son, I was a prodigal daughter. God brought me home. He first brought me home physically, He brought me home mentally, and then he brought me home emotionally and spiritually.

On or around the beginning of March, I accepted the friend request of my future husband (let's call him Saucy shall we?). With less than my standard required minimum of 10 mutual friends, we became Facebook friends and I don't even remember doing it. HA!

Well in God's grace Saucy's name and posts kept popping up on my FB newsfeed and after 2 weeks of that I posted on his wall.

"No offense, and not that I'm complaining, but how are we friends?" was my post. That was on May 5th. By May 6th, we were emailing. Sharing industry info., introductions, all surface stuff.

Well as the emails streamed in faster and closer together, I sent out an invite to him to join me for church. It was at this time that I began FB stalking him. This is when I was introduced to a book that God would use as a pivotal tool in growing a relationship with me. Saucy's dear friend and author Cheryl McKay Price, got married and in all my thorough stalking, I discovered that she had written a book of a young woman that turns her love life over to God... What a novel idea!!! Hadn't I done something almost identical to that not 2 months prior? Immediately I found the book and began reading her story... no really it was; Cheryl's story. But in reading her story, I read my own. The bad decisions; the broken hearts and wrong men; the inability to let go of control and trust God's choice. Hadn't I done the same things?

The tears flowed as the truths revealed themselves. It was as if God had written the book for me. SO as in the book, I turned over my rights (once again) of my dating life to God and gave him the reigns... which meant I couldn't take over control of my meeting with Saucy. I had to give him to God...which is exactly what I did.

Well as mentioned above, I had asked him to come check out my church. In my mind, any man worth getting to know wouldn't be scared off, or offended if I invited them to church. I had tried avoiding meeting men at church for so long and my track record wasn't looking good...but this was NOT a date. Nope this was two Christian actors getting together to worship and share industry info...because I was NOT in control.

So on May 22nd, after filming a pilot TV show, I rushed into Church 15mins late to formally meet Saucy... There he was, all smiles! My Saucy's smiles can make world peace possible. He has the BEST smile on the planet. Make that the Universe. He lights up a room and he was waiting for me with one of those smiles. I stuttered, I think I may have stopped in mid stride...I was in trouble, and after I regained my composure. I gave him back to God.

To Be Continued...

Life

I rush... I mean it! I run headlong and fast into everything! I love the rush of the new (even though I'm deathly afraid of it)... Maybe that's I rush. It's like ripping a band aid off. The faster you do it, the less it'll hurt. Well at least that's the theory... of course when you rip it off fast it hurts like Mo' Fo' right up front and tears well up in your eyes and it stings so bad you think you might pee your pants...but then it's gone. Just like that, it's gone! So then you forget about it and move on. I kinda think about rushing into new things the same way.

But life isn't like ripping off a band aid and sometimes we have to wait. To let the wound heal slowly, or take our time in recuperation...so I find myself healing slowly. Waiting and recouping. I don't like it...but it isn't really in my hands is it? No unfortunately... wait scratch that...FORTUNATELY it isn't in my hands...He is in charge of my rehabilitation. And in His timing and ONLY His timing will I be rehabilitated.

But a girl can dream can't she? Isn't it the dreaming, and the wanting, and the hoping that aids the body, mind, and spirit to full restorative health? I think so. I think that's why God puts these desires in my heart. The more I dream of them and imagine them into my life, the more I desire to heal from past hurts, and begin seeing my future in a healthy light. One that is designed by Him. So it stands to reason, that I should continue to dream. That I should scheme, and imagine the possibilities of my hearts desires. He gave them to me...why would He tease me with them, unless there were a certain truthfulness to them...

...I just need to rest in Him and wait for him to remove the band aid.

Sigh... All in good timing.

Good night Moon...

Hate does not become us.

Osama Bin Laden is dead. It is a strange day. Nothing significant changed in my schedule or routine. I did not feel any different and aside from the comment I threw out at work this morning no one mentioned it. Yet, people danced in Times Square. The National Anthem was sung in acapella unison on the White House Lawn. Tourists and Locals moved down to Ground Zero and paid homage to a day in history. Some would call it a great day, but regardless, great or not, many, many people died last night and have died over the past 10 years.

It is so easy to "celebrate;" to cast off our stress of another year with "him" out there and on the loose. But I cannot easily celebrate the death of another. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best, "I mourn for the loss of thousands of helpless lives, but I cannot rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate, multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

What I did focus on today was the reality of the countless men and women who have served to protect me and my freedoms. They sit on the lines, guns in hand, ready to defend or attack, so that I can continue pursuing my dreams. And oh what pointless, luxurious dreams they are. Our soldiers sleep in holes in the desert, while I design bedrooms of spa like proportions. I contemplate paint color schemes and coordinating fabrics, while they stare into vasts deserts looking for the sniper ready to shoot them dead. I audition for the right to play a pregnant army wife, while there are real women explaining to their children why daddy can't come home to them.

We are at war because 9 years ago, 2 planes and 2 buildings collided with one another and thousands of people died. One man masterminded an operation that would forever change my world. It would be so easy to hate them. But all I feel is sadness for them. I want to shake my hand in justified vengeance and say, "serves you right!" But all I can think about is how grateful I am to the people who keep me safe everyday. I just want to thank them.

THANK YOU TO OUR ARMED FORCES...THANK YOU FOR RISKING YOUR LIVES SO THAT I CAN HAVE ONE.

An entry without purpose.

I forgot what a balm to my spirit this blog has become. It has no purpose other than to let me purge the thoughts, however irrational they may be, onto the page and out of my head. Things get jumbled up; get lost; get forgotten. But once they are on the screen and emptied into grammatical form, they are then placed into perspective and therefore are no longer threats to my sanity.

This may serve to make me sound crazy or irrational, but yet it is the flushing of said thoughts that allow me to observe the truth of what I say, and therefore allows the clarity to move forward.

I have not made all the right choices in life, but THANK GOD it is not too late for me to change my route and redirect my path. And as I have said before, it is the journey that is life, not the end result. Oh that I can keep my focus on the journey and not miss the beautiful scenery along the way.

To my dear readers, please excuse the morosity of tonight's entry. But to be true to me , means not sensoring myself for you. You read because you care to know what it is that makes me tick. Makes me who I am.

I am an evolution. I am everchanging and ever will be. And God willing, I'll be given the the blessing of telling my children who I was and what I thought.

What's the rush?

Why do we rush? We rush to get to work only to get bogged down in traffic; rush to get out of school only to go to another one; rush to find the perfect parking spot only to see a better one open up two seconds later; rush to get the latest I-phone, I-pad, or 3-D TV only to have the next big thing be released 6months later. We rush to fall in love, get married, have babies, retire, to die. And the latest trend: We rush to have sex. Since when did rushing into something so intimate become something to be taken so lightly? I heard someone the other day say, "Sex is just sex, but a kiss is so intimate and sensual, it can make or break a relationship." No offense but I couldn't disagree more! A kiss is foreplay to sex. It connects us first at the breath; the initial point of contact and then stirs the senses into sex. Don't get me wrong. I love a good kiss. The anticipation, the nervousness, and then finally touching ever so slightly as your mouths join and your breath connects...it is heaven. BUT why would a kiss be more intimate than connecting with someone in an act that joins two humans as one?

I cannot see how this is possible. But more importantly, I don't want to. When I give that part of myself, I do it because I am giving that other person part of my heart; part of my soul. And in return I would only want that person to have sex with me for the same reasons. So what's the rush? Why run headlong into a sensual, intimate, sensitive, scary, moving, and spiritual act if it's not with someone that can treasure what we are sharing with them. So I don't want to share that special part of me unless it's with someone who not only wants it, but will treasure it, take care of it, and who will give me that same part of themselves back.

Tonight is random...

It's Happening. I planted seeds a year ago and now the buds of my hard work are starting to break through the ground. I am beginning to be seen. The auditions are rolling in. Now comes the hard part. I've got to believe that those seeds are worth nourishing...meaning I've got to get a little ego. He has one; just like I do when I talk about interior design. Sidebar, I love having my own place. That's one of the reasons I hang out here so much. It's great to have my own space. To be alone in the quiet... my quiet. My music, my space, my air, my time, my schedule. No one to ask of my time, no one to try to engage me in conversation. No feeling like I have to be there for anyone other than me. Just me and me. I owe no one explanations. I don't need to "spend" time with anyone. Oh how I long for that space to actually be mine... I have dreams. I know what it looks like in the sun. I know what it looks like in the dark. I know every angle of the space and how to maximize it... but the best part is that it's all mine. No body to tell me how to lay it out. No one to give an opinion or mess it up... Just mine. (Sigh) it's time for my to have my own space... I'm 32 (uh wait...I mean 29) and it's time I had my own space. Call me crazy, but I looked at baby pictures today...no person's baby in particular, just little tiny persons...wow! I want one. Not ready for one, but want to have a person to belong to me...That's crazy talk I know, but it is what I want. Sometimes I wonder if I need to have a daddy to have that little person? Can I just have the little one without the complications of a partner or husband? Back on track... I am getting it done. Meeting people, putting myself out there and making impressions...getting auditions!!! Whoot, Whoot! It's a start...haven't booked anything yet, but making headway and my reputation as a person is preceding itself...so I need to do, is actually believe it too. Why is that so hard for me? Why is false modesty the first thing I turn to? It's not a sin to admit that I'm good at something. It took me 10 years to admit that I'm a good designer. Is it gonna take me another 10 to admit I'm a good actor. I'm not talking about Charlie Sheen sort of "Adonis DNA" kind of ego, but the kind that say, "Hey! I know what I'm doing, and even if I don't I'm confident enough in my skills to get through this and still come out on top." That's where I need to be.... a process I know, but one I shall go through and come out on top... I shall.

The road

Its been awhile. I know. I haven't had the time or energy to write. But this is a good thing; meaning, God has kept me busy. The adventure in this next chapter is speeding up and I'm trying to savor every minute. Someone once said, we are defined by the choices we make. We make choices and they lead us somewhere. We make other choices and the path changes once again. The route is ever changing even if we continue to go in the same direction. Sometimes the detours are large and take us WAY outta of the way of our final destination, and sometimes they just reroute us slightly to change up the scenery. Right now, I'm really enjoying the view. It's easy to take your eyes off of your goal when you are enjoying the scenery, and sometimes I say, "NO! I cannot enjoy the scenery, I've got to get back on the main route." But the flaw in that statement is that I would miss so much joy, happiness, fear, pain, confusion, and rapture if I didn't allow myself to experience the detour. Because our lives are not just a destination and once you arrive, then you begin living. No, rather it is the journey that is our lives and the destination is the end of the trip. You might say, who wants to experience, pain, confusion, or fear? I do. I can overcome the fears. The pain makes me feel and grow stronger. Confusion can be worked through and I become a deeper person. Pain, fear, and confusion allow me to appreciate the joy, happiness, and rapture. How can you celebrate the good if you've never had the bad. You wouldn't know how to appreciate it. It wouldn't mean as much, and I want my life to mean something. I've always lived with end results in mind; had 5 and 10 year plans that would get me my goals (disclaimer: I still think it is wise to have goals and plans). But those plans would dictate my ability to enjoy life. I would pass up the opportunity to spend a lazy day in the sun, because it wasn't useful in achieving my goal. Here's the problem in that (you dear reader may see it immediately), I passed up the opportunity to enjoy the light; to stop, to breath, to rest, to renew. I was so focused on living, that I forgot to live. But I believe that God has a different vision for my life than the one that I was so focused on making real. I don't even know what it is, but I know it's not what I thought it would be. My life is not what I thought it would be, and that's okay. Cause here's the good news, I sit in the sun now. I rest, I laugh, I don't myself or others too seriously, and I take delight in myself and friends, I appreciate the silence of my soul, and I stop to breath. The path is different today than it was yesterday, but the scenery is oh so beautiful.